Beth Greene

a_littlefaith @ 2019-01-30T20:50:00

2019-01-31T03:10:00Z

There's no denying she's drawing bigger crowds these days, ever since the album was officially released, and although Beth still tries to play some of the smaller venues where she first started out in Darrow, it's getting more and more difficult to keep it up. They just can't let as many people into the bar as want to be there and that's as surreal as seeing that poster of herself that she's found in the record store window that day.

She can't just abandon them, though. These bars, these people, they're why she's able to have a career as a musician and so she still plays whenever she can, but these days she just can't promote the smaller shows as much as she used to. Even without it, the bar tonight is still relatively packed and people are actually singing along with some of her songs and Beth's not sure she's ever going to get used to any of this.

It used to be she would always recognize a few faces at her shows. Carl would be there, or Kili. And then Curtis. He would never make a big deal about it, he wouldn't even always come over to say hi, but he would be there.

They're all gone now and the crowds are too big for her to expect her friends to always be there, but when she spots a familiar face somewhere near the back, Beth's smile grows. She's just about done, wrapping up her last song and then passing off her guitar for it to be put away before she hops down from the stage and weaves her way through the crowd. People stop her and say hi and tell her how much they liked the show and she thanks every single one of them, but she's headed for one person in particular.

"Hi," she says when she's close enough to Lisbeth to be heard. Her hair is damp, her forehead still sweaty from the lights and she pushes back strands that are sticking to her skin. The clothes she wears to perform are different than Lisbeth would have seen her in that first day, a little darker, a little more daring than she usually wears, but the opal Curtis had given her still glints in the hollow of her throat. That never goes anywhere.

"I thought I saw you from the stage," she continues. "How're you doin'?"

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a_littlefaith @ 2019-01-24T13:58:00

2019-01-24T20:05:30Z

Judith is with a sitter, there is beer in the fridge, some snacks and food for them to make later if Elio is interested, and Beth has all of Curt's guitars out and ready to be played if that's what Elio wants to do. She still can't quite believe Curt left them all to her and for awhile she had considered selling them, but now that the album is actually making money, she knows she can't bear to part with them. They're beautiful guitars and she loves all of them. She loves playing them, too, and there are people who really like the idea of her playing Curt Wild's guitars in her shows and on her album.

He meant a lot to her, was supportive of her in ways no one else had ever been before. She needs to honour that somehow and using what he's left her seems like the best way to do it.

Selfishly, she's excited to show them off to Elio, to someone who will appreciate the instruments for what they are.

This isn't something she gets to do often lately. She's busy with Judith and her career and writing new songs for a new album. She still teaches classes sometimes, but even that isn't the same as having another musician over to jam with. It's true that playing as part of a band had turned out to be the wrong career path for Beth, but there's still so much fun to be had in playing with other people. It's not something she wants to ever stop.

When Elio lets her know he's arrived, she rushes to let him in, then throws open the apartment door to wait. Anthony comes with her, a little black cat, purring her pleasure at Beth's ankles.

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a_littlefaith @ 2019-01-24T13:37:00

2019-01-24T19:58:43Z

It's nice to have someone she likes to be able to arrange play dates with. Judith might be a little bit older than Catarina, but Beth doesn't think either of the little girls mind that at all. And Beth likes Magnus and Alec more than she likes a lot of the other moms of the kids from Judith's pre-school.

It's not that she doesn't like them, but she doesn't fit in with them either and she's overheard more than a few judgmental comments when they found out how old she is and what she does for a living. They think she's too young. They think it's irresponsible of her to leave Judith with a sitter when she plays shows late at night. They have a lot of opinions about Beth and as much as she would prefer to get along with them, she also doesn't want to spend time with people who don't approve of her for whatever silly reason.

So it's Magnus who's coming over instead. Magnus and Catarina. He's never judged her or made her feel like she's going to be a bad parent because of her age. She never expected to be raising Judith alone by the time she was twenty-three, but this is where they are now and she's going to do everything for her.

She's got the place cleaned up, she's got some tea ready to brew and she actually made cookies. Beth feels like she hasn't baked in ages and she's in a really good mood as she gets everything ready, waiting for Magnus to arrive.

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a_littlefaith @ 2019-01-24T11:58:00

2019-01-24T19:36:01Z

While it's certainly not the only thing Beth misses about Curtis or even at the top of the list, Beth has to admit she misses Fred pretty terribly some of the time, and so does Judith. They both love Anthony, but a cat just isn't the same as a dog, especially not a dog as big as Fred, and more and more often lately, Judith has been asking about getting a dog.

She'll be five soon, in just over two weeks, and Beth can't believe how far they've come. For a long time, she had avoided the idea of getting a dog, thinking they didn't have enough money or time to really take care of one, but things have changed a lot in the past few months, and Beth now has more time and money both. She's working at On the Downbeat less often, not needing to take as many shifts, and the money coming in from the album sales is getting better and better.

So maybe it's time they look at getting a dog. Judith is excited by the possibility and Beth sees no reason why they shouldn't. It's nearly Judith's birthday and Beth can use the dog to help her learn some responsibility. She won't put her in charge of much more than making sure the water dish is full, but it's something. It's a good, small start.

The weather is cool, but not that cold, so they're walking to the shelter today. Beth has a leash in hand, because they've made this decision and she had gone to the store a few days ago to make sure they had everything. She bought two harnesses, too, so they have something for a large or medium sized dog, and she's excited. So is Judith, if the way she keeps trying to skip ahead is anything to go by.

"Wait, wait, wait," Beth says, laughing. "I just saw Rapunzel in the coffee shop we just passed. Do you want to see if she wants to join us?"

"Yeah!" Judith answers, then turns and presses her hands against the window of the shop, slapping her palms against the glass to get Rapunzel's attention.

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-12-12T20:35:00

2018-12-13T02:49:55Z

When it comes to her own music, Beth is of two very different minds.

There's a part of herself that knows she's talented. She can write thoughtful lyrics, she can set them to interesting, intelligent melodies, and she can play nearly any instrument. Her voice is both sweet and powerful, something she can hear when she listens to herself after she's been recorded. But at the same time, she has terrible insecurities about it all, convinced she's only fooling herself, and all of this will never amount of anything resembling a career.

But here she is. This is an album, it's her album, fully finished, and it sounds good. Not only that, but people are buying it. They want to spend money on this.

Beth plays a short set, not wanting to overwhelm herself, then mostly just talks to people at the release party. It's still crazy to think they're here for her, but everyone is really friendly and happy and supportive. It relaxes Beth and by the time she realizes someone is staring at her, it's nearing the end of the party. A lot of people have left already, the bar has emptied out a bit, and she's standing alone near the stage door, off to the side and out of the way, so she can put her guitar away.

Her corners her there.

She's been watching ever since she realized he was looking at her, but only out of the corner of her eye, thinking there really wouldn't be anything to it. Guys are weird sometimes, she's used to that. It's the memory of Gorman that she's not used to, not yet, even less used to it than she is the memory of her own death. There are things she's dealt with and things she's ignored, and as he corners her in that tiny hall just beside the stage, a shiver runs up her spine and she tastes green apple candy.

Turning, Beth flashes a quick smile and tries to get past him. "Sorry, I just gotta-"

"You were really good up there," he says, stepping closer to block her way. "You've got a great voice. Great look, too."

"Thanks," she says, trying to stay bright. Her mouth is flooded with the taste of that candy Gorman had pushed between her lips and she tries not to taste it. It isn't real, she's only imagining it, but it's sweet and sticky and she licks her lips, trying to force the taste away.

"Yeah," he says, putting his arm against the wall so there's nowhere for her to go. She doesn't even have her knife. Just the guitar behind her, barely a weapon at all, especially in a space as small as this. "You're really pretty, you know. Would it kill you to look at me?"

Beth glances up, sees Gorman, no matter how impossible it is, and glances away.

"I really have to get goin'," she says, her voice coming from far away. "But thanks."

"Hey," he says, pressing closer to her. She can feel his breath on her cheek, on her neck. He's so close and she can see Gorman's face and taste the candy and she wants to scream. "C'mon, stay awhile."

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-07-25T15:01:00

2018-07-25T20:37:28Z

Beth doesn't really know what the plan is today, but she's not worried about it either. Whatever they end up doing, she knows she and Jason will have fun. They always do when they get together, and she's looking forward to being able to try climbing another rock.

This time around, she dresses more carefully for the excursion. She wears shoes that are tighter and a little smaller, better for climbing the rock face. She's wearing a pair of exercise tights and a tank top, because she knows it's going to be warm, and Beth isn't usually one for working out a lot, but she'd bought these clothes just for this. She wants to be prepared. She wants Jason to be proud of her.

All she knows for sure is that she's meant to meet him at his place and they'll go from there. She has a water bottle, a little backpack with some snacks, and she's purposely not letting herself think about what they might do after they climb a rock.

Because she very clearly remembers their conversation at the beach that day. They haven't talked about it since then, but she's pretty sure they had both been talking about two things at once and she's excited. Nervous and excited both. Maybe tonight won't be the night, but maybe it will. She's not going to get ahead of herself, but she's not going to count it out either.

"Hey," she calls out when she's close, expecting him to probably be out in his garden. "Jason?"

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-06-11T14:57:00

2018-06-11T20:50:10Z

Beth has no idea how it happens.

It's been a good day so far. She'd worked an early shift at On the Downbeat and after going to buy herself an iced coffee, she'd headed for the park with her notebook to sit down and write. The weather is beautiful and she finds herself a picnic table in a little bit of shade, then spreads out her book and her bag and settles in. She's not needed at home until later in the evening and she texts Jason a little while into her afternoon, asking if he wants to come meet her a little later. They can get dinner or just hang out, she doesn't have anything in particular planned, and she sets her phone aside again to wait for his response as she continues to work.

The words are coming easily today. They're not all perfect, there are plenty of half-finished songs she scraps entirely or reworks on the next page, but it's going well and she finds herself wishing she'd thought to bring her guitar. She writes down the music she thinks is going to go well with the words she's gotten down today, makes herself a promise to work on them later, then flips back to read through some of the others she's written recently.

For awhile, a lot of her songs were about Curtis. They still are sometimes, but they're different than they used to be. A little less sad, but still not quite capturing the closure she wishes she'd been able to have. It's always been like that for her, with everyone except her father. She's never been able to say goodbye and the only thing that keeps her from feeling the same way about Hershel is that little smile he had given her before he died.

She wishes she'd had that with others. She's written a few songs about it, hoping it will give her that same sense of closure with Curtis, but it's never quite come.

Still, for all she misses him, she's happy. Her life in Darrow is the only one she has and it's a good one and she's finishing up the last touches on a song about that when she looks up and sees a familiar figure not all that far away. Her heart lurches, her chest locks up, and for a moment it's a struggle to breathe. She puts down her pen, tries to convince herself it could be almost anyone, because she knows it's possible for there to be multiple people who look alike in Darrow.

But she can't make it happen, she can't really believe it. She knows him too well for that. In a second, just looking at him, she knows it's Curtis walking toward her. Only he's not really walking. There's something wrong in the way he's moving and it takes her a second to realize he's not wearing his prosthetic either.

She's frozen. He gets closer and closer and as soon as he moves from the shade of the trees across the park and into the sunlight, she knows what's wrong with him.

"No," she breathes, tears filling her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. "No, please."

This isn't the goodbye she wanted. Not with him. She had wished for something quiet and loving, like they had been, something no one else needed to see or experience, something that would be meaningful for just the two of them. Not this. Not him.

She had seen her mother and her brother like this. Her father's head. She's had nightmares of the people she loves coming back to her with dead, grey eyes and slack jaws and empty expressions, but never Curtis. He's apart from all of the awful things she left behind, he was something new, a part of a new life, and now he's shuffling toward her and his moan carries on the wind and all Beth can do is sit at her table and weep.

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-04-01T15:03:00

2018-04-01T20:09:58Z

Beth hasn't had the car for very long, just a few weeks, but it does what it's supposed to. She'd made sure to find something safe, something she would feel comfortable putting Judith into, and she'd done a lot of homework and research to make sure she wasn't getting take advantage of.

It's been a long time since she's been behind the wheel of a car, but it turns out to be the sort of thing one doesn't forget all that easily and she passes the test on her first try, officially certifying her to be allowed to drive in Darrow.

While she's mostly content with walking and public transportation, she has to admit it makes certain things a lot simpler. Getting groceries is no longer a giant hassle, because she can just load her bags into the trunk and head home, where she gets Carl to help her bring them upstairs. Getting to and from gigs at bars that are further away from home is so much better. Ever since those guys had busted her guitar, she's been a little nervous walking home with it late at night, but with the car she just has to throw it in the backseat and everything is fine.

The next step, though, is the most important one. Teaching Chuck Hansen to drive.

When she pulls up and parks in front of the building where he's living now, she can't help but stare. She knows his friends had left him their condo, but she'd had no idea it was so fancy and she almost can't picture Chuck being comfortable in there. She sends him a quick text to let him know she's there, then leans back in her seat and turns up the radio and waits.

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-03-28T20:48:00

2018-03-29T01:57:14Z

In the past couple of weeks, Beth has realized they're kind of at the point in their lives where all that money she's been saving up for Carl is actually going to become necessary. Or it will be, anyway, if he decides he wants to use it, which means they sort of need to talk about it.

All the major decisions she's made, quitting school and dedicating herself to music full time, they're decisions she talked through with Carl first, because it hadn't just been her life that would change if she couldn't make it work. He'd supported her through all of it, wanted her to do what she needed to, and it's paying off now. Maybe they're never going to be rich off her music, but the show at the Majestic is coming up in just a few weeks and most of the tickets have already been sold and she knows, if the show goes well, it only goes up from here.

She wants the same thing for Carl. Whatever it is he might want to do, she wants to be able to help him with that and so as she reaches for the cloth on the kitchen table and uses it to wipe Judith's hands clean of the food she'd just been stuffing into her mouth, she catches Carl's gaze and grins. If nothing else, she figures the money will be a nice surprise.

"Hey, can you put her plate in the dishwasher?" she asks. "She's covered in spaghetti sauce."

She needs to tell him about Jason, too. Judith has met him, but it's Carl who's probably going to look at him suspiciously, especially if he shows up here without Beth having mentioned him. Of course, she's pretty sure he'd never do that, but it's still a conversation that needs to be had.

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-03-26T09:24:00

2018-03-26T14:37:01Z

Beth hears about Nate being in the hospital pretty much first thing when she wakes up and turns on the TV in her living room, flipping to the news as she eats a bowl of cereal. It's a pretty big story, a burning building, a man bursting out of the flames with a woman in his arms like some kind of superhero. A few of the reporters and camera men had gotten close enough to the scene to actually capture the face of the man coming out, coughing and covered in soot, and Beth stares for a moment, her spoon halfway to her mouth, then drops the entire bowl of cereal in the sink and heads for the door.

She's not family. She's not allowed to go in and see him. The nurses seems to take pity on her, though, seeing the worry in her face, and they tell Beth that he's fine. He's being treated for smoke inhalation and minor burns and that she can come back in a few hours. Leaving seems impossible and so instead she finds herself in the waiting room, her legs crossed, one foot bouncing, waiting to be told she's allowed to go in and see him.

Only it doesn't quite work out like that. It's a few hours later and Beth is getting up to go ask the nurse if she's allowed in yet when Nate comes walking into the waiting room himself, looking for all the world like he doesn't even see any of the other people around him. Only then does it occur to Beth that the woman he'd carried out of the building was probably Chloe. At the time she had seen the report on the news, she hadn't been paying attention to anything else, just to Nate, but she can't figure any other explanation. And it's no wonder he looks as distracted and worried as he does. When someone needs to be carried out of a building, that's generally not a good sign.

Pushing out of her chair, Beth goes to him, reaching out to gently touch his arm. She'd been so scared for him, even after having the nurses tell her he would be fine, and before she even says anything, she wraps her arms around his waist and presses herself to him in a tight hug.

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-03-03T13:42:00

2018-03-03T19:59:44Z

It's not really late when Beth comes out of the bar carrying her guitar case. She had played earlier in the evening this time and although the sun has long since set, the streets are still relatively busy and she has to carefully make her way between people who are laughing and headed into the bar she's only just come out of. On the other side of them, she spots Edgar and immediately feels a little surge of guilt for not having seen more of him lately.

Right after Curtis disappeared, she'd avoided him for a little while, worried it would make the pain even worse to see someone who'd once been so close to him, but that's long since faded. Now she recognizes it as having been a little silly, because if anything, it should make her feel better to be around someone who'd known Curtis as well as Edgar had. He wasn't always the most forthcoming person in the world, but she'd known him well, better than most everyone else, and it's a comfort to know there's someone else who can say that, too.

But lately it hasn't even been a matter of avoidance. She's just been busy. Between work and Judith and Carl and her shows, plus the big one coming up at the Majestic, she's had a rough time keeping in touch with everyone. That's her fault, too, but she thinks she can remedy it at least a little right now.

"Hey," she says, sidestepping another couple so she's in line with Edgar. "How's it goin'?"

Weirdly, it suddenly occurs to her that she might be able to talk to him about Zhou. If anyone would know how Curtis might feel, if he'd hate her for this, it's probably Edgar.

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-02-28T19:48:00

2018-03-01T02:05:09Z

It's been two weeks and Beth hasn't seen or talked to Zhou.

At the party, after he'd left her standing there, she'd gone to find Magnus, to ask him if the chocolate was making people say things and what he'd told her hadn't really done anything to ease the knot in her stomach. The chocolate was enchanted, but it wasn't making people say things that weren't true. Everything someone said if they ate some of it was what they really felt. And no one seemed to be going around telling their friends they thought they were great. Magnus had said the confessions were romantic in nature.

She's not blind and she's certainly not stupid, she'd had kind of an idea that Zhou at least thought she was pretty, but the things he'd said went beyond just being pretty. In fact, besides telling her she looked lovely when they'd first run into each other, he hadn't said a single thing about the way she looked that night. Instead he'd told her how much he liked her, how much he enjoyed spending time with her and Beth knows it's not the same as admitting he's in love with her, but it's still not nothing. It had embarrassed him enough to run off, after all, so she knows there's something more to it.

The more she thinks about it, she more she realizes she doesn't mind. That's more confusing than anything else.

For the past two weeks, she's composed and deleted texts, trying to work out what to say to him, but nothing seems right. She can't tell him to just forget what happened, because that's not what she wants, but she also can't tell him he ought to ask her out on a date, because she's not ready for that either. She wants to be ready for it, though, and that's really telling. At this point, she would give just about anything to talk to someone about it, but all her friends are dealing with some pretty heavy things at the moment and she doesn't think asking them about a guy who has a crush on her is the best bet.

So she's on her own with this.

She goes to the garden instead of texting him. If she texts, he doesn't have to answer, he can continue to avoid her, but if she goes to see him, then at least they have to talk. Walking out there, kicking aside some dead, wet leaves that have been exposed by the melt, Beth realizes she has no idea what she's going to say once she gets there. She just knows she wants to see him.

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-02-11T13:20:00

2018-02-11T19:28:12Z

There are days like this one, relaxed and lazy Sunday afternoons, when Beth realizes her life, with all the strangeness Darrow throws at her, is as close to the life she had back in Georgia as it's ever going to get.

Carl and Judith are out for the afternoon and even though there's still a chill in the air, the sunlight coming in through the apartment windows is warm and bright, lighting up everything in a way she feels like she hasn't seen in a long time. It's quiet and comfortable and she's not naive enough to think everything is perfect, but things are at least settled. For now.

Blue is coming over, so Beth tidies the apartment, then gets distracted by her guitar for a little while, eventually putting it aside on the couch so that she can wash some dishes and get the kettle ready in case Blue wants some tea. There's food in the fridge, snacks on the counter if they want them, and when she shoes Anthony off the table and the cat stalks haughtily off down the hall to find another beam of sunshine to sleep in, she realizes she feels pretty content.

Things aren't perfect. She misses her family and most days the loss of Curtis still feels like a hole in her chest, a piece of her that's just gone now and won't ever be coming back, but if there's one thing Beth knows she's learned how to live through, it's loss. She'll miss him and she'll go on loving him and one day she'll wake up and when she sees his sweaters in her closet or his t-shirts in her drawer, her heart won't hurt. And she'll put them away. Not yet, not today, but eventually.

At the sound of the buzzer, she's pulled out of her thoughts and she hurries over to let Blue into the building, then opens the front door of the apartment to wait for her.

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-02-04T14:35:00

2018-02-04T20:47:05Z

With the news from Curt that she's going to be playing at the Majestic in three months time, Beth is starting to feel woefully unprepared, as if she's only now realizing what exactly all this actually means to her and to her future. Darrow is the only future she has, she's known that for a long time now and although the memories had been awful to have come to her all at once, now she's grateful for them.

Even in the midst of the worst parts of being here, she does her best not to waste any of the time she's been given because it's all she has left now.

If she's going to treat this like the only life she has left, though, then she needs to be more serious about her music, which she had thought she was doing all along, except now, with this news, she feels less and less serious with each passing day. Even with reassurances from her friends that she's going to be wonderful, she feels like a serious fraud and she spends almost all her free time now writing new songs, trying to establish which ones she should play and which ones she needs to discard and she knows Curt will help her with this if she asks, but she feels like she ought to really do it on her own. To prove she can.

The only problem is that it's leaving her flustered and stressed and she still has three months to go. Right now she's trying to balance her bag and two notebooks filled with music and lyrics, a pencil clamped tightly between her teeth and a coffee in her free hand. She's just lucky she's not trying to wrangle Judith at the same time, too.

Just as she's about to cross the street, a distracted driver shoots through a red light and Beth stops short enough that she doesn't get hit, but in her surprise, her coffee goes tumbling down the front of her coat.

"Damn it," she mutters and the pencil falls to the ground, too, landing in a puddle of coffee at her feet. "God damn it."

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a_littlefaith @ 2018-02-04T14:11:00

2018-02-04T20:19:54Z

Bit by bit, she's coming back around.

Beth wouldn't say she's over the things that have happened, she knows she can't say she's no longer thinking about Curtis all the time when she knows she still is, but over the past few weeks or so, things have gotten a little bit easier every day until she finds herself reaching out to people she hasn't seen as often as she knows she would like to say she has. It isn't their fault, she knows it's hers, she'd pulled away from everyone a little in the weeks after Curtis had disappeared, but it's not in her nature to be so isolated and so she knows it's time to reach out again.

She's lucky her friends are understanding, lucky they know what it's like to lose someone and don't hold it against her.

Jenny agrees to meet her easily enough and Beth suggests one of the cozier coffee shops in the city, one with big comfy chairs and hot drinks that probably have enough sugar in them to last her a whole week. There's still a significant chill in the air and where Beth might normally suggest a walk in the park or doing something fun outdoors, she thinks this is a better idea for now. It gives them a chance to really talk.

She arrives before Jenny and finds them a spot in one of the back corners, claiming the small, two person couch for them before anyone else can get it, and then she settles in to wait.

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-09-26T15:51:00

2017-09-26T21:11:08Z

It's not often Beth has a chance to ride anymore, but she still loves going to see the horses at the stables.

At home, they'd had four and Beth had been the only one of her siblings to have her own horse. Not because she was more well loved by her parents (though she was, she knows this, especially by her father) but because she had been far more interested in caring for a horse than Maggie or Shawn had ever been. She misses them, misses caring for them, but right now she doesn't have the time or the money to dedicate to something like that. Going to the stables when she has free time works as a good substitute, though, and she actually has the afternoon off for once.

She could spend it working, she knows she could find plenty of things to fill her time, but she figures she deserves a day off every now and then. Curtis would tell her to take the time off, he would tell her she works way too hard and so she decides he's right -- even if he hasn't actually said it to her -- and heads for the stables.

It's a nice surprise, catching sight of a familiar face when she arrives at the stables and Beth's expression brightens as she heads for Serena.

"Hi," she says happily. "Fancy meetin' you here."

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-09-26T15:23:00

2017-09-26T20:32:42Z

At this point, if Beth had the supplies, she would nail the apartment door shut.

They'd had warning and so they had done their best to prepare, but even so, she hadn't had any idea what it would really be like and just how much it would remind her of things she'd much rather never think about again. The final moments at the prison, the chaos and violence, the screaming and sounds of people in pain. How it had felt to be yanked away from everyone, not knowing if she would ever see them again. The fear of that loss, fear of the dead and the living alike.

The hospital.

It's more chaotic than the hospital, but that doesn't matter. It's in the lack of rules she sees the similarities, in the people who are going to spend tonight doing whatever they want without thinking even a little of others. That frightens her deeply, but she does her best not to show it. On a night like tonight, they all need to be at their best. For each other and most importantly, for Judith.

But now Beth is really wishing she'd bought some wood and nails to keep the apartment door shut. They've done their best to barricade it, the heaviest furniture pushed across the threshold, but that doesn't stop people from hammering on the door, screaming obscenities and shouting to be let in.

It's mostly for their sake Beth hopes they don't get through. The people waiting for them might not look like much at first glance, but she and Carl are both armed and have been through too much to let some coward like these people hurt either of them -- or Judith -- ever again.

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-09-06T13:43:00

2017-09-06T18:59:00Z

They've just been to see Curtis, not for a long visit, but long enough for Judith to climb into his lap several times, trying to get him to come home and draw with her. Even after having it explained to her that he needs to work this evening -- which she understands now, sometimes Beth can't believe just how grown up she's gotten -- she'd begged a few more times before Beth had laughed and scooped her up, then kissed Curtis and headed for the door.

They hadn't gotten far before Judith had squirmed out of Beth's hold, run back to Curtis and demanded a kiss of her own and Beth had watched with a grin before finally getting the little girl into the elevator where she had immediately pressed the button for the next floor up.

They're supposed to be headed home, but now that Judith has changed the direction of the elevator, Beth doesn't see why they shouldn't head up to see if Nate is home. She hasn't seen him for a little while and she figures he's just been busy, which she has been, too, and she can hardly fault him for it. But still, he's Nate, and he's important to her. It doesn't take much time out of her day to stop by and Judith isn't even close to ready to settle in for the evening so it'll be good for her to expend just a little bit more energy.

What she doesn't expect at all, as she reaches Nate's door with Judith holding her hand, is for a tall, gorgeous woman to step out of his apartment. Beth sees the woman roll her eyes, but it's fond, and then she shuts the door behind her, stopping only when she realizes there's someone else standing there, too. She's beautiful and even just looking at her for five seconds, Beth can feel her confidence and she suddenly feels like a little kid. Holding the hand of an even littler kid.

"Uh... hi," she says. "Is Nate at home?"

The woman's eyebrow lifts and she glances down at Judith, then back at Beth. "Yeah, sunshine, he's at home. You might want to give him a minute, though."

"Why- oh." Beth flushes and the woman laughs, though the sound isn't completely unkind. She's looking at Beth almost as if she's familiar and for a second she thinks she might say something, but then she's walking down the hall, headed for the elevator. Beth turns to watch her go, then realizes most people probably do the same thing, and flushes deeper as she turns back to face Nate's apartment.

What he does is completely his business, but she has to wonder if that's why she hasn't seen much of him lately. If maybe he's got a girlfriend and hasn't told her about it.

As Judith grows agitated and bored, Beth counts to sixty in her head, then does it again before she finally goes to knock on Nate's door. Quickly, realizing he might think it's his friend coming back, she calls out, "It's not your girlfriend! It's Beth."

So he better come to the door with his clothes on.

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-07-13T15:36:00

2017-07-13T20:44:39Z

It's not like she and Curtis are wanting for time alone, but their unique situation does sort of make it so their intimate moments have to sometimes be a little on the rushed side and, more often than not, a lot on the quiet side, which has been a bit of a challenge for Beth. She likes to hear him, likes knowing what she's doing to him, and she likes being vocal, too, which is one of those things she never expected of herself.

Of course, there's a whole slew of things she likes that she never expected.

Years ago now, she'd talked to Olive about it all, had admitted how worried she'd been, if it meant something was wrong with her that she liked when Daryl fisted his fingers in her hair and pulled, but Olive had done wonders in reassuring her it was very normal. Then Daryl had disappeared and Beth, in some weird effort to distance herself from that, had made sure anything she might be able to relate to him in some way didn't enter into her relationship with Curtis.

She's beginning to realize now just how unfair she's been to herself. To Curtis, too. Maybe it's something she discovered with Daryl, but he'd been her first everything, more or less, and she isn't going to keep herself from Curtis just because someone else had been there before him. It doesn't make sense for her to keep the rest of it from him either and so she's showing up at his place this afternoon with an idea, at least, of what she might do. It's not a plan, it's nothing so solid as that, but they both know why she's coming here in the middle of the afternoon when they both have time off and Yona, Carl, and Judith are all otherwise occupied.

She's a little nervous, she realizes, as she waits for him to answer the door. And she sort of likes that.

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-06-10T10:19:00

2017-06-10T15:29:25Z

Beth has never really been much of one for parties or drinking or anything like that, but she recognizes that's at least partly due to the fact that she never had the chance. One day she was fifteen and the next day half her family was dead, shuffling around in the barn, the entire world outside their farm cut off and ripped apart and dying. She'd grown up in the middle of the end of the world, so she knows it makes sense she never had much interest in anything like that, because there was never any real high school or college experience for her.

In Darrow, being in college had been serious. A second chance. She'd been there to get a degree, to make sure she could provide for the people who were suddenly her responsibility, and she hadn't felt the slightest urge to goof off or go out to parties when she was invited. If she wasn't in school, she was working, either at the music store or playing music, and if she wasn't doing that, she had Judith to look after.

It's a good life, she won't ever complain about it, not when she knows she's lucky to have it at all, but lately, with school on the back burner and Carl getting better and better, she's found herself kind of tempted by the invitations she gets. Not specifically those invitations, because they usually come from guys who've watched her play, and that's not the sort of fun night she has in mind, but she texts Blue on a whim one day, asking if she'd like to go out one Saturday evening.

It might not be quite a party, they're not exactly planning on going clubbing, but it's still something she's never really done before, getting together with a girlfriend on a Saturday night. They can do anything they want and that's what makes it feel so normal.

Beth kisses Curtis, promises not to be too late, then heads out the door to meet up with Blue.

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-06-08T13:29:00

2017-06-08T18:49:04Z

For a little while, Beth had worried everything might get a little bit derailed when it came to her music as she tried to figure out when and where she had the time to write and play and practice, but Curtis has more or less saved her in a bunch of ways. The fact that he's willing to help out when she needs him to, giving her at least a little bit of time during which she can write new songs and at least one night a week to book gigs, has made it so she doesn't need to just shuffle it all aside for now.

Which means she's been thinking about it a lot.

Playing with a band has been fun, she can't deny that, but she's wondering more and more often lately if it's the right way for her to go. Her music works in the band, that's not the issue, they're willing to mostly hand over creative control and they've learned all her songs, but she's not sure it's right. Something about it, despite the fun she's had, feels off, and so she's recorded herself on her own as well as with the band, and dropped both examples off for Curt to listen to.

His opinion means a lot to her. The fact that he's at all interested in helping her seems unbelievable, but she wants to make sure she takes advantage of that and asks for help when she needs it. Which she really does in this case. She gives it a week before texting him, asking if he'll meet her for coffee to give his thoughts, and so now she's waiting at a cafe near the music store, nervously twisting the strap of her bag in her fingers.

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-04-27T14:54:00

2017-04-27T20:16:48Z

Bit by bit, things are getting better.

Carl is back at school, although not full time, and he's been going out more often. He still gets tired easily and there's still a lot of medical stuff coming his way, and so Judith's care is still mostly on Beth's shoulders, but she's gotten better at balancing that, too. The fact that she's not in school right now helps, not to mention how good her boss at the music store has been about everything, and how much help Curtis is giving her, so she's not as utterly exhausted as she had been those first few weeks.

Which means she's playing again. Practicing with the band, playing with them here and there, playing on her own more often. They're good and she has a lot of fun with them, but more and more lately she's been thinking she might have to strike out on her own. She wants to see what Curt thinks, if he thinks there's even a chance of her getting any further than this, but maybe she's just not meant to be with a band.

Tonight she's on her own. The bar she's playing is small and smokey, located in the basement of a bigger venue, but it has character. It's not like there's an exclusive guest list or anything, anyone who wants to get in is welcome, but they don't let just anyone play here, and Beth's been waiting for her chances for ages. She doesn't even mind the cigarette smoke all that much, the whole thing just lending to the atmosphere of the place. Ever since she got the go ahead, she's been working on some new music and she debuts a bit of it tonight. Darker stuff. Heavier lyrics, harder and angrier guitar chords. There are still her trademark songs, of course, a sweet one about Curtis even though she doesn't mention him by now, but there's a mix now. Something different. Something new.

When she's finished, she packs up, leaves her guitar in what passes for a tiny green room, then heads toward the bar so she can get some water. It's crowded and she has to slip between a few people, ducking under some guy's outstretched arms balancing a few beers, and then ending up bumping into a tall, older guy right at the bar.

"Whoops, sorry," she says with a little laugh, brushing some of her hair off her damp forehead. "Kinda nuts in here, huh?"

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-04-20T20:32:00

2017-04-21T01:42:30Z

It's all too much, but Beth can't tell anyone that.

Carl doesn't need her protection, he doesn't need her treating him like a child and so she isn't, she's not hiding things from him, she's telling him whatever the doctors tell her and they're both taking all of this one day at a time. It's all they can do, really, it's all anyone can expect of them, but somehow it's just weighing on her more and more each day. Someone shot him. That's not a walker, it's not some weird egg hatching and spitting out creepy toys, it's not a look into a darker version of themselves.

It's worse.

It's how she died.

But she can't say that to him. With everything she tells Carl, it's the one thing she never mentions, the one thing she knows she can't bring up. That's not his burden to carry, it's hers, but right now it's too much for her to hold onto all on her own.

Curtis would listen to her, she knows that, but Curtis is at work tonight. In another time, she would have texted Kili, but he's gone. Olive is married and Beth doesn't want to show up, pounding at her door and begging for her time even though she knows Olive would readily give it. Nate might very well be out or maybe he's with his brother, maybe he even has a girl over, but he's the only person she can think to go see and so she's standing outside his apartment, pacing the hall, trying to find the right words for what she needs to say.

When she finally knocks, it's tentative, almost as if she doesn't want him to answer, but she does. She desperately does.

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-04-19T20:21:00

2017-04-20T01:36:16Z

Things haven't exactly been easy as of late and Beth is running herself ragged.

It doesn't matter, she's going to do it no matter how exhausted she gets, no matter how dark the circles under her eyes become, because Carl and Judith are everything to her. There's already been a visit with the social worker after they were called when Carl was shot and no one is accusing Beth of anything, they've all been really supportive, but Carl isn't eighteen yet and Beth is still legally his guardian and something really awful has happened to him. They've asked her a few times if she thinks she needs any extra support, but she reads that as Judith being taken away from them and so she insists she's fine, she can do this, she has people who'll give her a hand.

But some of them aren't here anymore.

A few months ago, she would have called Kili and she knows he would have done anything to help her, he would have watched Judith any time she asked, but he's gone now. Every so often she reaches for her phone, thinking she'll text him, and she remembers all over again, the pain of that loss nearly crushing in the wake of everything else that's happened.

She's leaning heavily on Curtis. Too heavily maybe, but she doesn't know what else to do. She still needs to work and she can't afford to hire a sitter every time she does and so on some evenings when Curtis isn't working, she leaves him at the apartment with Judith, apologizing over and over, and trying to work out some way for her to fix this. Some way to be able to do everything.

Heading home this evening, a little later than usual, she considers maybe asking the social worker for help. Maybe they'll be able to find some inexpensive childcare for her, something that means she won't feel spread quite so thin, which means she'll be able to focus on helping Carl get better. She's considering this as she unlocks the apartment door, taking care to be quiet, because chances are Curtis already has Judith asleep.

Just inside the door, though, she stops. He has her asleep alright, but she's curled up nearly on top of him, wedged in the small space between the arm of the couch and his torso, her fingers curled in the material of his t-shirt. For a second she thinks he might be asleep, too, but then she sees his eyes are open in the dim light and she waves at him before quietly locking the door and coming into the room.

"What happened here?" she asks, her voice soft.

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a_littlefaith @ 2017-03-04T19:46:00

2017-03-05T01:59:49Z

The past few weeks have been weird and stressful and difficult in a lot of ways. She's not in school, she has an entirely different routine, and she misses Kili pretty much all the time. After going to his place and taking his bow and arrows, she'd spent a long time trying to figure out what to do with them. In the end, she'd snapped off the head of one arrow and dulled it down carefully, then strung it on the same chain where she wears her cross.

Now it clinks softly against the metal, comforting her. It isn't enough, it doesn't give her her best friend back, but it does something and that's all she can ask for right now.

There are a few constants in her life and for that she's grateful. Music helps her, it gives her something to focus on, and she writes about everything she's feeling. About Kili and everything he gave her.

And so she still takes gigs in bars and cafes. There are musicians who are working with her now, but tonight she's playing on her own, playing some of her older songs and some of her newer ones, the ones she's written since her death, since Daryl's disappearance, songs about everything she's done, songs about Curtis, though she's careful to never mention him by name, because he comes to see her play and she knows people don't always like hearing their names in song.

If he listens, though, he might figure out which ones are about him.

It's a good show and she's not entirely subdued, getting into the atmosphere and by the time she's done, she's smiling. Curtis is here tonight and she intends on heading over to him, but first she has to pack up and that takes a few minutes, leaving her by the stage as people talk and drink around her.

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