a_littlefaith | (no subject)

Lately things are a little more weird than Beth really wants to dwell on for long.

The thing is, she can't not dwell on it. It's like it's the only thing she's able to think about when she lays down at night and closes her eyes and tries to get to sleep. The worst part about it all is that she feels so selfish, because the person she would talk to about it usually, the person she would trust most to help her has so much of his own going on right now that she doesn't want to bother him with it. Kili is newly married and he's only just lost his brother, which is awful. So deeply awful. Beth feels for him and tries to be there for him as best she can, which means not burdening him with any of the stuff going on in her head right now.

Because the thing is, she can't really keep lying to herself and pretending she doesn't have more than just friendly feelings for Curtis. Which in itself fills her with guilt, like she's doing something wrong. Daryl was gone and now he's back and there's a part of her that thinks it's expected they'll eventually get back together, but she thinks about it and it makes her chest tight in a way that all but steals her ability to breathe.

She loves him, but he isn't the same person. He's not the man she was engaged to.

But she can't stop the guilt. It's so damn confusing and complicated. Half the time she feels like she's going to throw up and she doesn't know who to talk to.

Which is probably why Nate is going to regret agreeing to meet her for coffee today. She needs to tell someone, she needs someone else to hear everything she's feeling and thinking, and normally that would be Kili, but she just can't do that to him right now. He needs to mourn and to heal, not carry her burdens, too. So she's waiting for Nate at the coffee shop she likes best, nervously twisting her fingers and glancing up every so often, hoping he'll be here soon.

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Nate has bad memories regarding trains. Trains are bad, awful things that get blown up or crash or fall apart and leave you hanging for dear life from a goddamn mountain. Trains are apparently things you get shot on and left for dead, and that's not an experience Nate ever really wants to relive.

"Trains suck," he says emphatically, nodding his head. He doesn't know if Curtis's train holds the same shitty memories, but the fact that he apparently lived on one sounds shitty enough. "What d'you mean he lived on a train?"

He didn't expect that Curtis was Southern, but now he's curious about exactly who he is and where he's from.

She's got a pretty good feeling Curtis would agree with Nate's assessment of trains and she hesitates before continuing, but only for a moment. Explaining to Nate about the train isn't giving away any sort of personal information Curtis has trusted her with. There are things he's done on the train, things she knows he feels guilty about and she won't share those with anyone. He had said those things to her with the expectation of confidence and Beth isn't the sort to betray something like that.

"His world sorta ended, too," she explains. "He was... a teenager, I think, when it happened. The whole world froze, went into an ice age, but there was this guy who'd built a train that could be run continuously on a track that connected the whole world and I guess a bunch of people boarded it before it got too cold to survive and they were just livin' on the train as it ran on the track over and over and over again."

She frowns a little and says, "It wasn't a good place to live. I know he was tryin' to change things."

Maybe that's what they've bonded over, he thinks, the whole world ending thing. It's not something he can exactly relate to but he thinks he's come pretty close. If it weren't for his actions (and also probably, definitely because of some of them) Nate's world would probably have gone much the same way. More than once he's found himself trying to avert an apocalypse of some kind, which he thinks is totally unfair and he deserves a pay rise. If he were getting paid, that is.

"That sounds so boring," Nate says, unable to stop himself before he says it. But a train that just goes around and around in an arctic wasteland for eternity? Fuck that. "When you said lived on a train I didn't think you mean like, lived on a train, jesus."

There's a risk now that Curtis is a really dull guy. Nate hopes he's not, for Beth's sake, but how interesting could a guy who's spent his entire life on a train be? What is there to do, besides stare at your own hands and dream about not being on a goddamn train? "Does he have like... hobbies?" Nate asks, cringing.

"I guess when your options are the train or freezing to death, the train becomes a little less boring," she points out with a laugh, although he's not entirely wrong. Or maybe he wouldn't be wrong if Beth didn't get the sense the train had been pretty horribly split up into different classes with the people at the front getting everything and people at the back getting nothing. It sounds like it had been hard and she knows what that's like.

Hard means hobbies sort of fall by the wayside. Hard means survival becomes the only thing you really think about.

"He's been here for years, Nate, I think he's had the chance to move beyond just thinkin' about what it was like livin' on a train. He's got a whole life here. He works at Semele's."

And she realizes the second she says it, she probably shouldn't have. Nate's going to go there, he's going to scope him out, and she's just relieved for a second she hasn't said anything more identifying about Curtis. Nate will still find him, she's got no doubt of that, but she doesn't need to make it easier on him.