[november 21]

[a_littlefaith]

She's been back for awhile now.

The first thing she'd done upon arriving home, the very first thing before climbing into the shower and standing under the scalding hot spray for nearly an hour, scrubbing ash and dirt from her hair and skin and under her nails, was send Kili a text message. It hadn't been much, just two words and a little cat emoji, but she had known he would be worried, that he'd be looking for her. Just like he hadn't given up hope with his brother, she knows he wouldn't give up hope for her.

I'm okay. Two words and a little smiling cat face, enough to let him know she really is okay.

Because she is. She's okay. Rick and Michonne are still gone, but she knows Carl and Judith are here and safe. They'll have to track them down, figure things out, and maybe she should be angry with him for having made them worry like this, but she can't find it in her to be mad when she's just grateful they're still around. They've seen and done awful things over the past several weeks, they've been through some of the worst Darrow has ever thrown at anyone, she thinks, but they're here on the other side of it. And they're okay.

Daryl isn't quite as okay, but that's okay, too. He'll get there, she believes he will. There's a ring on her finger, nothing flashy, nothing sparkly or glittery, but something that glows, soft and gentle. That ring is for her from him and she hasn't told anyone yet, but when she looks down at it, it makes her smile. Because they're going to get married and they're going to keep pressing forward and they will be okay.

Tonight, though, she needs a break. She doesn't have to work tomorrow and she doesn't have class for a little while, so she kisses Daryl and asks him if he'll be alright and when he insists he will be, she packs a small bag and heads for Kili's apartment. A little over two weeks ago she drew her knife and stabbed it through the skull of her own head. She'd had to kill herself to kill the fear that she really is nothing more than dead weight, she'd had to fight off the belief that maybe, just maybe, her suicide would have been preferable.

It had been awful and upsetting, but it had also been necessary. Now she's home and she's going to go spend the night with her best friend and as she knocks on his door, she finds she's smiling.

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[willnothide]

"I don't want to wait," Kili says before he can stop himself, his brow furrowing as his cheeks turn a deeper red, and he huffs before reaching out for another cupcake. Taking a bite turns out to be mistake, if only because it allows for a brief silence to fall between them, and a glance at Beth shows him that she's watching him expectantly. He doesn't know what else he's meant to say, it's obvious enough that he's struggling between his impatience to be physically familiar with Tauriel and the fact that it would mean something neither of them are ready for quite yet.

There are other things that can be done, though. That night at the planetarium, he'd slipped the straps of Tauriel's dress down her shoulders, touched her in a way he's never touched anyone before, and he'd cherished every moment of it. If they cannot be intimate in the way he desires, yet Tauriel is still willing to do just about anything but, Kili supposes it would be important for him to learn the best way to go about it.

Swallowing hard, he finishes off his cupcake, wiping his fingers nervously against his trousers, then finally meets Beth's gaze again. "I want to please her," he says, his voice gone small, "but I'm not entirely sure how. We-- She let me touch her, and it was simple, and it was enjoyable for us both, but I'm not especially skilled in this area." It's rather embarrassing, really, to admit as much; but then again, dwarrows do only love once, so it's not as if he'd gone around the Ered Luin bedding every Dwarf-woman he could find.

"If you have any advice to spare, I'd be most grateful."

[a_littlefaith]

Beth finds herself giggling, between Kili's vehemence that he doesn't want to wait and the way his cheeks go red, but she isn't laughing at him. She's laughing at herself, too, at the way her own ideas changed so much since meeting Daryl and she shakes her head, waving her hand at him. "I didn't wanna wait either," she admits, oddly delighted by the idea of someone asking her for advice. A year and a half ago, she'd never done more than a bit of making out. A few times she had let Zach reach under her shirt and one memorable occasion even into her shorts, but she'd barely touched him at all, afraid and nervous and embarrassed.

It's different with Daryl. It had been different right from the start.

"You know there's other stuff you can do, right?" she asks, willing her own cheeks not to go red. She's hardly an expert, but she's done a fair bit more in the past year than ever before and she does know some things. If any of that is going to help Kili, then she needs to be brave enough to just say it. To tell him exactly what their other options are and then it'll be up to him to present them to Tauriel to see if any of them suit her.

"If we're just talkin' about makin' her happy, there's tons of stuff,' she says. "Girls are pretty great like that. Sometimes even just friction is enough, so you can... y'know, you can rub up against her. Or you can use your fingers. It's not as official or whatever you'd wanna call it, but it'd still feel good for her. You'd have to be careful at first, though." Because if Tauriel has never done anything like that before, it might not be comfortable for her. It's not as if Kili has slender fingers. "Or as time goes on and she's more comfortable, you can do stuff with your mouth. Lots of stuff. Really, really good stuff. And none of that means you're married!"

[willnothide]

Huffing, Kili lowers his eyes, opting to pick at a thread on his trousers that doesn't actually exist rather than hold her gaze. Beth is merely trying to help, he knows that, and he does love her dearly for it; but that doesn't change how foolish he feels about bringing this up in the first place. It's true that Beth is one of the very few people he'd feel comfortable speaking to about this, even though it is a bit awkward. If she teases, it isn't mean-spirited, and she's hardly one to be judgmental.

Even so, he can feel his shoulders stiffening as she explains the different ways he might pleasure Tauriel, and after a moment of silence, he finally lifts his eyes to meet hers again.

"I've-- I've touched her, yes," he says, "but I do fear I haven't been entirely upfront with her about what I know. I've never been with another in that manner, I told her that, but for all that I'm knowingly outspoken about so many things, I never have been about things like this. Asking my mother would have been impossible. My uncle had far more important matters to attend to, so did my other elders, and Fili... Well, Fili would be kind but only after a bit of teasing."

Biting down on his lip, he shifts a little to better face Beth, fixing her with a serious expression. "The night we had our date to the planetarium," he says, "we did little in the way of gazing at the stars. I touched her, like I said, nearly undressed her, and she seemed to quite enjoy it. I just don't want to disappoint her when the time comes to do more."

[a_littlefaith]

"Oh, Kili," Beth says, shaking her head. "If she loves you, there's no way you can disappoint her. Before Daryl, there wasn't anyone. I had a couple boyfriends, but we didn't really do much of anything together, so with Daryl, everything was new. It was the same for me, I didn't know anything and I thought... I worried maybe I'd be bad at it, I wouldn't know what to do or what to even say, but it's just... I think it's different when you love someone. You get to figure it out without worrying that you're doin' somethin' wrong, because they don't care."

Right now she finds herself wishing she knew Tauriel better. She wishes she could tell Kili exactly what to expect, she wishes she could predict her reactions, but she can't. Kili knows Tauriel, though, and he loves her, so Beth has to assume she loves him, too. She has to assume that Tauriel is kind to him, that she cares for him, that she would never make him feel silly for not knowing something. And if what he's said is true, if being intimate in that manner is like being married for elves, then Beth has to assume she doesn't know either. It's going to be something they learn together and Beth thinks that could really be rather beautiful.

"It's okay if you don't know, if you gotta learn or even ask her questions," Beth promises. "It really is. You guys can learn it all together and when it happens that you're both ready for it, you'll know all sorts of things already. I promise you won't disappoint her, though. I don't see how you could, not if you love her."

[willnothide]

Everything Beth says is what Kili has known in his heart to be true. That night in the planetarium, there'd been a bit of nerves, worry that he might do the wrong thing or go too far, but Tauriel had been vocal about what she'd wanted. She'd commanded, really, which he supposes can't be surprising coming from the Captain of the Mirkwood Elven guard, but Kili had found himself appreciating it because he'd known she wouldn't have let him do anything she didn't like. The way she'd guided him, telling him how to touch her and setting boundaries from the start, had helped immensely, and she hadn't once complained except for when he'd stopped.

"I know you're right," he says, offering a sheepish but grateful smile, "I suppose I just needed to hear it. Tauriel, amrâlimê, she's a funny sort. I did tell you, didn't I, that our relationship would have been frowned upon by dwarrows and Elves alike. Our races are stubborn, desperate to hold old grudges, but as different as she and I are, we both managed to find our way to each other. She turned her back on her king to save me, to follow me and keep me alive when she could have forgotten me altogether. We barely knew each other then and that's all she remembered of our time together. Yet even now, she wants to be with me. How could it be any clearer that our lives have been meant to entwine?"

In the grander scheme of things, it seems rather foolish to concern himself with matters like this. If Tauriel can look move past all the obstacles that have stood in their way until now then of course he can, too, especially one so easily tackled.

"I do feel silly for having brought it up at all," Kili admits, laughing at himself, though it's with good humor. "But I'm fortunate to have you here to make me see reason. I'm not entirely certain what I would do without you."

[a_littlefaith]

"I'm glad you're not lettin' that get in your way. Neither of you," she says and she means that with all her heart. It shouldn't matter, not here, not anywhere, but she knows there are places and worlds where it isn't that easy. Even her own relationship wouldn't be easy back where she and Daryl had come from. People have whispered plenty here in Darrow and she finds in general much more acceptance here than she knows they would have found back home. People would have worried about her unnecessarily. People would have had things to say, people would have formed opinions and she knows how hard it is to fight against something like that. Kili doesn't deserve that, he only deserves to be happy and she's glad he and Tauriel have found that together.

"You don't need to feel silly," she assures him. "You can talk to me about anything, no matter how silly it might seem to you. I'll always listen." He's always listened to her, after all, he's been there for her through some of the worst things she's seen in her life. He'd taken her in and made sure she was safe after she thought Daryl disappeared and he hadn't needed to do that. She'll do anything for him in return.

"Besides," she adds with a grin. "I know it's better to have someone to talk to about stuff like that, especially when you're uncertain. I kinda felt like I was flounderin' through everything, but my friend Olive sorta helped me with some of it. I was pretty lost." She was more than lost, wondering if there was something wrong with her, but things are a lot easier now. It's been long enough and she's been reassured enough that she doesn't feel that way anymore. She wouldn't claim to be an expert, not by any means, but she's got a pretty good idea of what it feels like to be uncertain and if she can help someone, she thinks it's sort of her responsibility to do so.

"Anything," she says again. "I never won't wanna talk to you."