a_littlefaith: (052)
Beth Greene ([personal profile] a_littlefaith) wrote2015-11-10 03:59 pm
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[november 21]

She's been back for awhile now.

The first thing she'd done upon arriving home, the very first thing before climbing into the shower and standing under the scalding hot spray for nearly an hour, scrubbing ash and dirt from her hair and skin and under her nails, was send Kili a text message. It hadn't been much, just two words and a little cat emoji, but she had known he would be worried, that he'd be looking for her. Just like he hadn't given up hope with his brother, she knows he wouldn't give up hope for her.

I'm okay. Two words and a little smiling cat face, enough to let him know she really is okay.

Because she is. She's okay. Rick and Michonne are still gone, but she knows Carl and Judith are here and safe. They'll have to track them down, figure things out, and maybe she should be angry with him for having made them worry like this, but she can't find it in her to be mad when she's just grateful they're still around. They've seen and done awful things over the past several weeks, they've been through some of the worst Darrow has ever thrown at anyone, she thinks, but they're here on the other side of it. And they're okay.

Daryl isn't quite as okay, but that's okay, too. He'll get there, she believes he will. There's a ring on her finger, nothing flashy, nothing sparkly or glittery, but something that glows, soft and gentle. That ring is for her from him and she hasn't told anyone yet, but when she looks down at it, it makes her smile. Because they're going to get married and they're going to keep pressing forward and they will be okay.

Tonight, though, she needs a break. She doesn't have to work tomorrow and she doesn't have class for a little while, so she kisses Daryl and asks him if he'll be alright and when he insists he will be, she packs a small bag and heads for Kili's apartment. A little over two weeks ago she drew her knife and stabbed it through the skull of her own head. She'd had to kill herself to kill the fear that she really is nothing more than dead weight, she'd had to fight off the belief that maybe, just maybe, her suicide would have been preferable.

It had been awful and upsetting, but it had also been necessary. Now she's home and she's going to go spend the night with her best friend and as she knocks on his door, she finds she's smiling.
willnothide: (Default)

[personal profile] willnothide 2015-11-12 07:32 am (UTC)(link)
Ages have passed since Kili had last seen Beth.

That's how it feels, at least, as he waits for her to arrive at his apartment. When he'd received her text, Kili's legs had nearly collapsed beneath him in his relief, and it's been some time since Beth has returned, but he'd taken the text at face value. The inclusion of the cat emoji with the simple words had been enough of an indication that it was the truth, that what had happened to her wasn't so dire that she'd never leave her apartment again or anything so dramatic. So he's done his best not to overwhelm her with his concern, exchanging short text conversations in the days between before she'd said she wanted to see him. Rather, she was ready to see him, to seek company, and he'd been more than happy to hear it.

There's a brand new floral arrangement waiting for her in the living room, something to brighten the apartment while she's here, as well as an assortment of sweets like cupcakes and cookies on the kitchen table. For dinner, he's imagining something simple like pizza, which he's only recently developed a taste for, and whatever else would like to do with the evening, Kili will be happy to oblige. All he wants is to see for himself that his best friend is unharmed, if not surely a bit worse for the wear.

At the sound of the knock, Kili is quickly on his feet, and he barely manages to get the door open before he's practically throwing himself at Beth. "I've missed you," he says immediately, looking up at her with a warm, sincere smile. "You're sure you're alright? The cat emoji only tells me so much, you know."
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[personal profile] willnothide 2015-11-15 06:26 am (UTC)(link)
His cheek is pressed against her side and try as he might, Kili cannot help the tears that start to fall. It isn't that he doesn't believe her when Beth says she's really okay, he hears the conviction in her voice and trusts her not to lie when she knows there is no need to, but the relief he feels at having his best friend back is more overwhelming than he'd thought it would be.

"I was afraid you weren't coming back," he admits, pulling away just slightly so he can wipe his eyes against his sleeve, smiling up at her to show that he isn't upset, just ever so pleased that she's here with him. Grasping her hand, he leads her away from the door and into the living room, pointing at the flowers he'd set out for her. "These are for you. I wanted to make something cheerful, bright, like you. But sit, you should sit, can I get you anything? Cupcakes? I've brought plenty, all sorts of flavors because I wasn't sure what you'd like, and--"

Heaving a sigh and letting his shoulders drop, Kili shakes his head. "And I'm just so happy to see you again. I looked for you every day."
willnothide: (Default)

[personal profile] willnothide 2015-11-16 08:41 am (UTC)(link)
When Fili had disappeared, Beth had been the one to make him feel that he wasn't out of his mind to look for his brother for as long as he had. As deeply as Kili loves Tauriel, he'd been able to see the skepticism in her eyes, the disbelief that Fili could return home. She'd helped him look because of how she feels for him, because she cares for him enough that she'd preferred to see him search in what was likely to be vain than see him pained over the loss of his brother. For that, Kili had been grateful, but that Beth had believed in him, in his search for Fili, rather than simply tolerated is what separates her from the rest. It's what makes her his best friend, and it's why he'd spent so much time looking for her, too.

"All the cupcakes it is, then," Kili declares, gathering the entire box he'd brought home for the evening and carrying it to the living room so he can set it down before them. Snatching one of the peanut butter and chocolate ones, he takes his place on the couch, studying her carefully as he takes a bite and shaking his head when she asks whether he knows much about where she'd been.

"Most people aren't keen on talking about it," he explains, which is neither unfair nor a surprise, "and I recognize the look in many of their eyes. They're haunted by what they saw." He knows Derek had been there, along with Mister Bitty, and so had Padme. Numerous others had disappeared, too, without any explanation at all, and that's part of what had kept Kili's hopes that Beth would return so high. "You don't have to talk about it, either, not if you don't want to, it will not offend me.
willnothide: (curious. like a cat.)

[personal profile] willnothide 2015-11-21 07:55 pm (UTC)(link)
He sees the ring. As a dwarrow, it'd be impossible not to, whether or not Kili had succumbed to the Dragon sickness in the golden depths of Erebor has no bearing on his race's tendency to be attracted to objects that look shiny and valuable. Beth hasn't worn the ring before and besides that, she isn't wearing the bracelets that had once covered the scars on her wrists; and so it seems that a great deal must have changed for her while she'd been in the other Darrow. Kili briefly wishes he could have been there to help see her through it but then again, Beth looks like she'd done well enough all on her own. It doesn't surprise him in the slightest.

Knowing this doesn't make her story any easier to hear, and he tries not to cringe when she says she hand't seen herself as useful. That perhaps they'd have preferred if she was dead. For himself, for the others in Darrow, he knows as a matter of fact that nothing could be further from the truth and Beth, too, must know that. But it's her past that still haunts her, just as Kili's own, just as everyone else who must have faced something awful in that place.

"I presume that your being back can only mean you realized that can't be true?" he asks gently, reaching out to brush a thumb over her wrist. "Because it isn't. There are few in Darrow I could truly be broken over if they were ever to leave for good." Glancing up at her, Kili only offers a meaningful smile. He doesn't need to say the rest, he's confident Beth understands him perfectly well.
willnothide: (listening so make it good)

[personal profile] willnothide 2015-11-23 06:52 am (UTC)(link)
Kili is silent for a moment, not because he thinks terribly of what Beth had done but because he hates that she'd been forced to do it. In spite of her strength, the will she'd found to carry on in her own world, she'd still killed herself in this hellish Darrow.

It's different, of course, it's not as if Kili doesn't recognize that, but he can't imagine it'd been a simple task, something one can brush their hands of and carry on as if nothing had happened. For the most part, Beth truly seems to be alright, and Kili is glad that it appears she considers this more of having defeated her demons rather than giving in to her fear.

But he imagines having to fight himself, listening to himself try to convince him that the Company would have been better of without him, that his brother and uncle might have survived if not for all his mistakes, that his father is surely rolling in his grave at what a disappointment he'd turned out to be, and even simply imagined in his mind, Kili can feel the pain of it. A sharp, twisting pain that's only released because Beth speaks again, and Kili nods.

"You're back," he echoes. "You were very brave, to face yourself that way. Others have succumbed to the darkest parts of themselves much quicker, but you..." Kili takes her hand, squeezing it lightly as he offers her an affectionate smile. "There is no darkness in you, Beth Greene. Not really, not the kind that could ever take you over. We should all be so lucky."
willnothide: (cheeky smile)

[personal profile] willnothide 2015-12-01 06:37 am (UTC)(link)
"You are brave," Kili insists, nodding firmly as if that's the end of it, as if she couldn't possibly provide any further argument. As far as he's concerned, of course, Beth can't. Whether she believes it to be so or not, Kili thinks of her as one of the bravest souls he knows, and it's nothing to do with how skilled she is at fighting nor how well she wields a weapon. No, it's what is in her heart that makes her courageous and her willingness to go on in the face of all that threatens to tear her down.

They have that in common, he thinks, the need to push forward even when everything around them is falling apart. It's yet another reminder of why they get on so well, of why they have become so close, and Kili believes now more than ever that their friendship will not fail to stand the test of time. Of course, the time they have in this place is hardly up to them, and that will always be difficult for Kili to accept. Even if Beth's phone had been disconnected during her absence, he thinks he still would have looked for her, if only to honor her before allowing himself to let go.

"My apartment was very lonely without you," he says, brightening again as he reaches for another cupcake. "Well, for all the times I was in it, anyway. When I wasn't at work or looking for you, I spent a great deal of my time pestering Tauriel and my brother. Fili, especially, seemed to be a little more than relieved to hear you'd returned." He's teasing, of course, Fili had been glad to hear Beth was back because he's fond of her, but Kili prods Beth's side all the same with a laugh. "If he thanks you profusely when next you see him, now you'll know why."
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[personal profile] willnothide 2015-12-06 07:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Rolling his eyes, Kili laughs, following Beth's lead and settling back against the couch with his legs crossed and one hand still loosely gripping his friend's, almost as if he'd afraid to let go. And perhaps he is, Kili thinks. That's two now who've disappeared and come back to him, by the good grace of Mahal, but there's no knowing who might be next. If Tauriel were to be taken away, she may be the one to never return, and he'd be doomed to a lifetime of heartache and regret. Dwarrows only love once, after all, and it comes as no surprise that he'd fallen for someone who would greatly complicate things. Well, for his kin, at least. That he is a Dwarf and she is an Elf is of no real consequence to him.

Aside from a few key differences, perhaps.

"Oh, he'll be ever pleased about that, as well," Kili says, though his cheeks flush just slightly at the question of Tauriel. "And we're... quite well, I would say. Yes. Very well, things are moving along nicely. I'm just--" He shakes his head, brow furrowing with mild embarrassment. "No, never mind that, what of you and Mister Daryl? You did not wear that ring before."
willnothide: (cheeky smile)

[personal profile] willnothide 2015-12-13 03:58 am (UTC)(link)
Marriage.

For a moment, Kili only gapes at the ring, not because he's shocked that Beth would agree to wed Mister Daryl, of course not, her love for him is ever certain; but he thinks of Tauriel, of what she'd said of intimacy equating to marriage in the Elven culture, and he hasn't been able to help but think on it since then. They'd taken steps in their relationship that evening he'd admittedly been worried about, if only because he's quite gone that far with anyone before, and in spite of how confident he is that their love will be everlasting, Tauriel is still Tauriel. He only wishes to please her.

Tilting his head, he studies his friend for a moment, trying to determine what the proper reaction should be. She'd agreed to the engagement, and she is smilig, so it stands to reason that she's happy; but there's a hint of something else, too, which Kili supposes can be explained away by the fact that the question had been asked in such an awful place.

"A glimmer of light during a dark time, then," he settles on saying, beaming at her. "Congratulations all the same, it is something to be celebrated. Perhaps with another cupcake."
willnothide: (ugh blessed)

[personal profile] willnothide 2015-12-14 07:55 am (UTC)(link)
He doesn't quite know how to respond to Beth's request, Kili only knows that he's ecstatic she would think to ask him at all. Marriages had certainly been celebrated in the Ered Luin, they'd been grand celebrations with lively music and dancing and, his and Fili's favorite part, a great deal of ale; but he'd still been closer to a dwarfling the last time he'd attended a celebration like that, and Kili had hardly spent much time thinking about when he might be the one to be honored that way.

With Tauriel, he wonders whether they'd have a ceremony at all, if consummating their relationship is all it would take to see them wed. Perhaps he should ask her about it sooner than later, seeing as they both seem to agree that such a bond is in their future, but the prospect is still just the slightest bit intimidating. He barely knows whether he's properly satisfying Tauriel now, after all, so for now, Kili won't bother to think about it. Besides, he's happy to focus on Beth's wedding instead.

"For you, I would wear an ugly bridesmaid dress," Kili teases, "though I do appreciate that you won't require it of me. That is to say, yes, I'd be honored to stand by you on such a joyous day. If ever you need my help with your planning, all you need to do is ask." He brightens when an idea strikes him. "I could be responsible for the arrangements! Whatever you want, no matter how complex."
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[personal profile] willnothide 2015-12-15 08:08 am (UTC)(link)
"Oh!"

Kili shakes his head, pausing briefly before nodding, then shaking it again. Letting out a sheepish laugh, he ducks his head to hide how his cheeks are growing a deeper shade of pink, though it's hidden well enough by his complexion and the shadow of a beard. "Someday, yes, perhaps," he answers, and he's already bashful in any other aspect of his life so Kili isn't quite sure why he's being this way now.

Rather, he knows exactly why, and he'd rather not admit it. Beth would never laugh at him for admitting his considerable inexperience when it comes to engaging in a physical relationship, not the way he knows Fili would howl with laughter for a good long while before taking the subject seriously, and if there's anyone he can ask about it without fearing judgment, it would certainly be here. He's made no attempt to brag about sexual conquests that don't exist, so he's no concern about being found out, it's simply that he isn't sure how to properly approach the matter.

"In the Elven culture, it seems that-- er, well, marriage is assumed when--" Rolling his eyes at himself, Kili huffs his frustration before deciding he might as well just spit it out. "Intimacy is considered as good as vows, apparently, as I discovered not very long ago."
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[personal profile] willnothide 2015-12-21 05:44 am (UTC)(link)
"I don't want to wait," Kili says before he can stop himself, his brow furrowing as his cheeks turn a deeper red, and he huffs before reaching out for another cupcake. Taking a bite turns out to be mistake, if only because it allows for a brief silence to fall between them, and a glance at Beth shows him that she's watching him expectantly. He doesn't know what else he's meant to say, it's obvious enough that he's struggling between his impatience to be physically familiar with Tauriel and the fact that it would mean something neither of them are ready for quite yet.

There are other things that can be done, though. That night at the planetarium, he'd slipped the straps of Tauriel's dress down her shoulders, touched her in a way he's never touched anyone before, and he'd cherished every moment of it. If they cannot be intimate in the way he desires, yet Tauriel is still willing to do just about anything but, Kili supposes it would be important for him to learn the best way to go about it.

Swallowing hard, he finishes off his cupcake, wiping his fingers nervously against his trousers, then finally meets Beth's gaze again. "I want to please her," he says, his voice gone small, "but I'm not entirely sure how. We-- She let me touch her, and it was simple, and it was enjoyable for us both, but I'm not especially skilled in this area." It's rather embarrassing, really, to admit as much; but then again, dwarrows do only love once, so it's not as if he'd gone around the Ered Luin bedding every Dwarf-woman he could find.

"If you have any advice to spare, I'd be most grateful."
willnothide: (curious. like a cat.)

[personal profile] willnothide 2015-12-28 01:47 am (UTC)(link)
Huffing, Kili lowers his eyes, opting to pick at a thread on his trousers that doesn't actually exist rather than hold her gaze. Beth is merely trying to help, he knows that, and he does love her dearly for it; but that doesn't change how foolish he feels about bringing this up in the first place. It's true that Beth is one of the very few people he'd feel comfortable speaking to about this, even though it is a bit awkward. If she teases, it isn't mean-spirited, and she's hardly one to be judgmental.

Even so, he can feel his shoulders stiffening as she explains the different ways he might pleasure Tauriel, and after a moment of silence, he finally lifts his eyes to meet hers again.

"I've-- I've touched her, yes," he says, "but I do fear I haven't been entirely upfront with her about what I know. I've never been with another in that manner, I told her that, but for all that I'm knowingly outspoken about so many things, I never have been about things like this. Asking my mother would have been impossible. My uncle had far more important matters to attend to, so did my other elders, and Fili... Well, Fili would be kind but only after a bit of teasing."

Biting down on his lip, he shifts a little to better face Beth, fixing her with a serious expression. "The night we had our date to the planetarium," he says, "we did little in the way of gazing at the stars. I touched her, like I said, nearly undressed her, and she seemed to quite enjoy it. I just don't want to disappoint her when the time comes to do more."
willnothide: (cheeky smile)

[personal profile] willnothide 2015-12-31 07:44 am (UTC)(link)
Everything Beth says is what Kili has known in his heart to be true. That night in the planetarium, there'd been a bit of nerves, worry that he might do the wrong thing or go too far, but Tauriel had been vocal about what she'd wanted. She'd commanded, really, which he supposes can't be surprising coming from the Captain of the Mirkwood Elven guard, but Kili had found himself appreciating it because he'd known she wouldn't have let him do anything she didn't like. The way she'd guided him, telling him how to touch her and setting boundaries from the start, had helped immensely, and she hadn't once complained except for when he'd stopped.

"I know you're right," he says, offering a sheepish but grateful smile, "I suppose I just needed to hear it. Tauriel, amrâlimê, she's a funny sort. I did tell you, didn't I, that our relationship would have been frowned upon by dwarrows and Elves alike. Our races are stubborn, desperate to hold old grudges, but as different as she and I are, we both managed to find our way to each other. She turned her back on her king to save me, to follow me and keep me alive when she could have forgotten me altogether. We barely knew each other then and that's all she remembered of our time together. Yet even now, she wants to be with me. How could it be any clearer that our lives have been meant to entwine?"

In the grander scheme of things, it seems rather foolish to concern himself with matters like this. If Tauriel can look move past all the obstacles that have stood in their way until now then of course he can, too, especially one so easily tackled.

"I do feel silly for having brought it up at all," Kili admits, laughing at himself, though it's with good humor. "But I'm fortunate to have you here to make me see reason. I'm not entirely certain what I would do without you."