a_littlefaith | [november 21]

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kili

[november 21]

She's been back for awhile now.

The first thing she'd done upon arriving home, the very first thing before climbing into the shower and standing under the scalding hot spray for nearly an hour, scrubbing ash and dirt from her hair and skin and under her nails, was send Kili a text message. It hadn't been much, just two words and a little cat emoji, but she had known he would be worried, that he'd be looking for her. Just like he hadn't given up hope with his brother, she knows he wouldn't give up hope for her.

I'm okay. Two words and a little smiling cat face, enough to let him know she really is okay.

Because she is. She's okay. Rick and Michonne are still gone, but she knows Carl and Judith are here and safe. They'll have to track them down, figure things out, and maybe she should be angry with him for having made them worry like this, but she can't find it in her to be mad when she's just grateful they're still around. They've seen and done awful things over the past several weeks, they've been through some of the worst Darrow has ever thrown at anyone, she thinks, but they're here on the other side of it. And they're okay.

Daryl isn't quite as okay, but that's okay, too. He'll get there, she believes he will. There's a ring on her finger, nothing flashy, nothing sparkly or glittery, but something that glows, soft and gentle. That ring is for her from him and she hasn't told anyone yet, but when she looks down at it, it makes her smile. Because they're going to get married and they're going to keep pressing forward and they will be okay.

Tonight, though, she needs a break. She doesn't have to work tomorrow and she doesn't have class for a little while, so she kisses Daryl and asks him if he'll be alright and when he insists he will be, she packs a small bag and heads for Kili's apartment. A little over two weeks ago she drew her knife and stabbed it through the skull of her own head. She'd had to kill herself to kill the fear that she really is nothing more than dead weight, she'd had to fight off the belief that maybe, just maybe, her suicide would have been preferable.

It had been awful and upsetting, but it had also been necessary. Now she's home and she's going to go spend the night with her best friend and as she knocks on his door, she finds she's smiling.

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"I know," she says, smiling over at him and it feels good to say it, to hear it, and to know it's true in the way she does. Kili's friendship is something that doesn't need to be put into words -- though it does feel nice to have him say it -- because she feels it deep down in her bones. In her soul. In all the pieces that make up who she is, there are the people she loves. Her mother and father. Shawn. Maggie and Glenn. Carl and Judith and Rick and Michonne. Daryl. And Kili. "I know. You're my best friend."

She's quiet then for another long moment, trying to collect her thoughts.

"We couldn't get out. Not until we fought our fears," she tells him. "That's why we were stuck. We kept runnin' away and then one time I just got so mad, because she kept sayin' all this stuff about how everyone would be better off if I had just died and I think I kinda snapped. I grabbed her and I grabbed her knife, I didn't even use my own and I just... I just attacked her. Until she stopped."

It sounds awful when she says it like that, but it had been the only thing she could do. It had been the right thing, apparently, because when it was done, when that dead version of herself had finally stopped moving, Beth had climbed back to her feet and found herself home again.

"Then I was here," she says. "I was back."

Kili is silent for a moment, not because he thinks terribly of what Beth had done but because he hates that she'd been forced to do it. In spite of her strength, the will she'd found to carry on in her own world, she'd still killed herself in this hellish Darrow.

It's different, of course, it's not as if Kili doesn't recognize that, but he can't imagine it'd been a simple task, something one can brush their hands of and carry on as if nothing had happened. For the most part, Beth truly seems to be alright, and Kili is glad that it appears she considers this more of having defeated her demons rather than giving in to her fear.

But he imagines having to fight himself, listening to himself try to convince him that the Company would have been better of without him, that his brother and uncle might have survived if not for all his mistakes, that his father is surely rolling in his grave at what a disappointment he'd turned out to be, and even simply imagined in his mind, Kili can feel the pain of it. A sharp, twisting pain that's only released because Beth speaks again, and Kili nods.

"You're back," he echoes. "You were very brave, to face yourself that way. Others have succumbed to the darkest parts of themselves much quicker, but you..." Kili takes her hand, squeezing it lightly as he offers her an affectionate smile. "There is no darkness in you, Beth Greene. Not really, not the kind that could ever take you over. We should all be so lucky."

It means a lot to have Kili say that and she smiles, squeezing his hand in return as she gives herself that moment, allowing herself to take strength from that. From his hand in hers and the kind things he's saying to her, the knowledge that his friendship is one of the most important she's ever known.

"I don't know if it was brave," she says finally. "I just think it was kinda necessary. I think I had to get there in order to get back here and... it didn't feel brave at the time. It felt awful, but Daryl was there and I remembered everyone who was waitin' back here and I just knew I needed to stop that voice that kept sayin' those terrible things." She doesn't think she's brave, she doesn't think she's any stronger or smarter than most of the rest of the population, but she does think Kili is right, that maybe there's a light inside her that can't be killed. Maybe that's where she carries everyone who's gone now. Jimmy and Otis and Patricia. Her parents and Shawn. Everyone she's loved and lost, that's where they are now, and that isn't a sad thing. It's what gives her strength.

"I'm happy to be back," she tells him. "I missed you and bein' able to do stuff like this so much." And she doesn't know if she can ever thank him for what he did for her during those five days she'd thought Daryl was gone. There aren't any words to tell him what that means, how good it had been to have somewhere to go, someone to hold onto her, someone who didn't want anything from her except to make sure she felt better. Everyone needs a friend like Kili and she knows how lucky it is that she has him.

"You are brave," Kili insists, nodding firmly as if that's the end of it, as if she couldn't possibly provide any further argument. As far as he's concerned, of course, Beth can't. Whether she believes it to be so or not, Kili thinks of her as one of the bravest souls he knows, and it's nothing to do with how skilled she is at fighting nor how well she wields a weapon. No, it's what is in her heart that makes her courageous and her willingness to go on in the face of all that threatens to tear her down.

They have that in common, he thinks, the need to push forward even when everything around them is falling apart. It's yet another reminder of why they get on so well, of why they have become so close, and Kili believes now more than ever that their friendship will not fail to stand the test of time. Of course, the time they have in this place is hardly up to them, and that will always be difficult for Kili to accept. Even if Beth's phone had been disconnected during her absence, he thinks he still would have looked for her, if only to honor her before allowing himself to let go.

"My apartment was very lonely without you," he says, brightening again as he reaches for another cupcake. "Well, for all the times I was in it, anyway. When I wasn't at work or looking for you, I spent a great deal of my time pestering Tauriel and my brother. Fili, especially, seemed to be a little more than relieved to hear you'd returned." He's teasing, of course, Fili had been glad to hear Beth was back because he's fond of her, but Kili prods Beth's side all the same with a laugh. "If he thanks you profusely when next you see him, now you'll know why."

Beth doesn't think she's not well loved, she doesn't consider herself to be without friends, but she knows there's a limited number of people who would look for her the way Kili had. She doesn't feel sorry for herself because of that, she thinks that's probably the way it is for most people, but when it comes to her friendship with Kili, she's just aware that it's exceptional, that they have something special, something to be celebrated.

"Y'mean he won't just be glad I'm back to buy jewelry from his store?" she asks with a smile, leaning back on the couch and letting herself get comfortable. Even though she's been back for awhile now, this feels like the first time she's really allowed herself to be comfortable in days. She's not sleepy exactly, but she's warm and content and she nudges Kili gently with her toes as she smiles at him.

"So how're things goin' with Tauriel?" she asks. She's met the elf since she and Kili had first begun to talk of her and Beth still isn't sure what to make of her. Kili is so bright and full of life, and Tauriel had seemed so reserved, but she supposes she's hardly in a place to question the idea of opposites being attracted to each other. As long as they're happy, that's all that matters.

Rolling his eyes, Kili laughs, following Beth's lead and settling back against the couch with his legs crossed and one hand still loosely gripping his friend's, almost as if he'd afraid to let go. And perhaps he is, Kili thinks. That's two now who've disappeared and come back to him, by the good grace of Mahal, but there's no knowing who might be next. If Tauriel were to be taken away, she may be the one to never return, and he'd be doomed to a lifetime of heartache and regret. Dwarrows only love once, after all, and it comes as no surprise that he'd fallen for someone who would greatly complicate things. Well, for his kin, at least. That he is a Dwarf and she is an Elf is of no real consequence to him.

Aside from a few key differences, perhaps.

"Oh, he'll be ever pleased about that, as well," Kili says, though his cheeks flush just slightly at the question of Tauriel. "And we're... quite well, I would say. Yes. Very well, things are moving along nicely. I'm just--" He shakes his head, brow furrowing with mild embarrassment. "No, never mind that, what of you and Mister Daryl? You did not wear that ring before."

"Oh!" Beth says suddenly, looking down at her hand again. She's curious as to what Kili was going to say and she's already planning on asking him about it, but this is sort of a big deal and she wants to tell him before she tells anyone else. He's her closest friend, after all, and he's the person she's most likely going to ask to stand with her as her witness when the time comes. Back home it would've been Maggie and her daddy would have walked her down the aisle, but it's different here.

Here it's going to be her chosen family standing with her.

"Daryl... he had it with him when we were in that other version of Darrow," she admits with a little smile, looking down at the ring. "He asked me to marry him." And maybe it hadn't been at the most romantic moment, but somehow it all feels like it had been the right moment anyway. Beth doesn't need flowers and romance, she's long since learned that some of the most romantic things in the world don't necessarily mean that something is really going to last.

Marriage.

For a moment, Kili only gapes at the ring, not because he's shocked that Beth would agree to wed Mister Daryl, of course not, her love for him is ever certain; but he thinks of Tauriel, of what she'd said of intimacy equating to marriage in the Elven culture, and he hasn't been able to help but think on it since then. They'd taken steps in their relationship that evening he'd admittedly been worried about, if only because he's quite gone that far with anyone before, and in spite of how confident he is that their love will be everlasting, Tauriel is still Tauriel. He only wishes to please her.

Tilting his head, he studies his friend for a moment, trying to determine what the proper reaction should be. She'd agreed to the engagement, and she is smilig, so it stands to reason that she's happy; but there's a hint of something else, too, which Kili supposes can be explained away by the fact that the question had been asked in such an awful place.

"A glimmer of light during a dark time, then," he settles on saying, beaming at her. "Congratulations all the same, it is something to be celebrated. Perhaps with another cupcake."

"Thank you," she says and she squeezes his hand and leans over, resting her head against Kili's shoulder for a moment. Not for the first time she wishes fiercely Maggie could be here, that she could meet Kili, because Beth knows she would love him so much, as much as Beth does without a doubt. Marrying Daryl is important and it's big and Beth really wants all her family to be there, even though she knows it isn't possible. Most of her family is dead, most of them are long gone, but it's Maggie she really wants here in the end. Maggie and Kili, two of the most important people in her world.

"I dunno how things work for Dwarves, but here in Darrow, to make it all legal there has to be witnesses to stand up with the people who're gettin' married," she says, lifting her head again a moment later so she can reach for the cupcakes. She holds the box out to Kili first, then selects one of her own and licks some of the frosting off the top after she's put the box back down again.

"Usually there's... traditional roles. The groom has a best man and the bride has a maid of honour and it would've been Maggie for me. Y'know, if she was here. Maybe she'll come here in time, but I don't wanna wait for it, y'know? I don't wanna expect it or get my hopes up or let myself dwell on that, so I was thinkin' maybe... maybe you'd do that for me," she says, looking over at Kili. "I promise you won't have to wear an ugly bridesmaid dress."

He doesn't quite know how to respond to Beth's request, Kili only knows that he's ecstatic she would think to ask him at all. Marriages had certainly been celebrated in the Ered Luin, they'd been grand celebrations with lively music and dancing and, his and Fili's favorite part, a great deal of ale; but he'd still been closer to a dwarfling the last time he'd attended a celebration like that, and Kili had hardly spent much time thinking about when he might be the one to be honored that way.

With Tauriel, he wonders whether they'd have a ceremony at all, if consummating their relationship is all it would take to see them wed. Perhaps he should ask her about it sooner than later, seeing as they both seem to agree that such a bond is in their future, but the prospect is still just the slightest bit intimidating. He barely knows whether he's properly satisfying Tauriel now, after all, so for now, Kili won't bother to think about it. Besides, he's happy to focus on Beth's wedding instead.

"For you, I would wear an ugly bridesmaid dress," Kili teases, "though I do appreciate that you won't require it of me. That is to say, yes, I'd be honored to stand by you on such a joyous day. If ever you need my help with your planning, all you need to do is ask." He brightens when an idea strikes him. "I could be responsible for the arrangements! Whatever you want, no matter how complex."

"I would love that," Beth says sincerely. Kili has such a great eye for floral arrangements, she's seen it every single time he's created something, and she thinks having another little personal touch like that would make the day even better. She knows it's not likely to be a big, overwhelming event by any means, that they'll both want something small, something limited to their very close friends, but the idea of having those friends contribute in some way is awfully appealing.

"We haven't exactly done much in the way of planning yet, but I can tell you already that's somethin' I would really like," she says, then watches Kili for a moment. She's met Tauriel and although Beth suspects some of her cool, detached nature has to do with her being an Elf, it did throw her off a little during that first meeting. Kili is so warm and open, so boundless with his energy, that she had to wonder about the match. But so long as her friend is happy, then she's happy, and she knows he loves Tauriel very much.

"What about you?" she asks, only partly teasing. "Are you and Tauriel gonna get married some day?"

"Oh!"

Kili shakes his head, pausing briefly before nodding, then shaking it again. Letting out a sheepish laugh, he ducks his head to hide how his cheeks are growing a deeper shade of pink, though it's hidden well enough by his complexion and the shadow of a beard. "Someday, yes, perhaps," he answers, and he's already bashful in any other aspect of his life so Kili isn't quite sure why he's being this way now.

Rather, he knows exactly why, and he'd rather not admit it. Beth would never laugh at him for admitting his considerable inexperience when it comes to engaging in a physical relationship, not the way he knows Fili would howl with laughter for a good long while before taking the subject seriously, and if there's anyone he can ask about it without fearing judgment, it would certainly be here. He's made no attempt to brag about sexual conquests that don't exist, so he's no concern about being found out, it's simply that he isn't sure how to properly approach the matter.

"In the Elven culture, it seems that-- er, well, marriage is assumed when--" Rolling his eyes at himself, Kili huffs his frustration before deciding he might as well just spit it out. "Intimacy is considered as good as vows, apparently, as I discovered not very long ago."

At first Beth isn't quite sure what Kili is trying to tell her, but then he manages to get it all out and her eyes widen a little in understanding. "Oh," she breathes, then nods, as if that makes sense to her. Elves are completely beyond her realm of understanding and it actually surprises her a little. Tauriel had seemed so confident and collected, so aware of the world around her and what she would want that it seems so unlikely she would wait for marriage to have sex.

But that's taking into account the way Beth was brought up. It's obviously different for Elves than it is for her.

"Y'know, there are a lot of people who're taught that, too," she says. "That we should wait until we're married to be with someone like that. That's what I was taught my whole life." It apparently hadn't stuck exactly, but she doesn't think that's such a bad thing either. "It's not really the same, it's not considered as good as bein' married, but a lot of people are still taught that they should wait. All my life, I was sure I was gonna wait until I was married, but then... well, then I didn't."

"I don't want to wait," Kili says before he can stop himself, his brow furrowing as his cheeks turn a deeper red, and he huffs before reaching out for another cupcake. Taking a bite turns out to be mistake, if only because it allows for a brief silence to fall between them, and a glance at Beth shows him that she's watching him expectantly. He doesn't know what else he's meant to say, it's obvious enough that he's struggling between his impatience to be physically familiar with Tauriel and the fact that it would mean something neither of them are ready for quite yet.

There are other things that can be done, though. That night at the planetarium, he'd slipped the straps of Tauriel's dress down her shoulders, touched her in a way he's never touched anyone before, and he'd cherished every moment of it. If they cannot be intimate in the way he desires, yet Tauriel is still willing to do just about anything but, Kili supposes it would be important for him to learn the best way to go about it.

Swallowing hard, he finishes off his cupcake, wiping his fingers nervously against his trousers, then finally meets Beth's gaze again. "I want to please her," he says, his voice gone small, "but I'm not entirely sure how. We-- She let me touch her, and it was simple, and it was enjoyable for us both, but I'm not especially skilled in this area." It's rather embarrassing, really, to admit as much; but then again, dwarrows do only love once, so it's not as if he'd gone around the Ered Luin bedding every Dwarf-woman he could find.

"If you have any advice to spare, I'd be most grateful."

Beth finds herself giggling, between Kili's vehemence that he doesn't want to wait and the way his cheeks go red, but she isn't laughing at him. She's laughing at herself, too, at the way her own ideas changed so much since meeting Daryl and she shakes her head, waving her hand at him. "I didn't wanna wait either," she admits, oddly delighted by the idea of someone asking her for advice. A year and a half ago, she'd never done more than a bit of making out. A few times she had let Zach reach under her shirt and one memorable occasion even into her shorts, but she'd barely touched him at all, afraid and nervous and embarrassed.

It's different with Daryl. It had been different right from the start.

"You know there's other stuff you can do, right?" she asks, willing her own cheeks not to go red. She's hardly an expert, but she's done a fair bit more in the past year than ever before and she does know some things. If any of that is going to help Kili, then she needs to be brave enough to just say it. To tell him exactly what their other options are and then it'll be up to him to present them to Tauriel to see if any of them suit her.

"If we're just talkin' about makin' her happy, there's tons of stuff,' she says. "Girls are pretty great like that. Sometimes even just friction is enough, so you can... y'know, you can rub up against her. Or you can use your fingers. It's not as official or whatever you'd wanna call it, but it'd still feel good for her. You'd have to be careful at first, though." Because if Tauriel has never done anything like that before, it might not be comfortable for her. It's not as if Kili has slender fingers. "Or as time goes on and she's more comfortable, you can do stuff with your mouth. Lots of stuff. Really, really good stuff. And none of that means you're married!"

Huffing, Kili lowers his eyes, opting to pick at a thread on his trousers that doesn't actually exist rather than hold her gaze. Beth is merely trying to help, he knows that, and he does love her dearly for it; but that doesn't change how foolish he feels about bringing this up in the first place. It's true that Beth is one of the very few people he'd feel comfortable speaking to about this, even though it is a bit awkward. If she teases, it isn't mean-spirited, and she's hardly one to be judgmental.

Even so, he can feel his shoulders stiffening as she explains the different ways he might pleasure Tauriel, and after a moment of silence, he finally lifts his eyes to meet hers again.

"I've-- I've touched her, yes," he says, "but I do fear I haven't been entirely upfront with her about what I know. I've never been with another in that manner, I told her that, but for all that I'm knowingly outspoken about so many things, I never have been about things like this. Asking my mother would have been impossible. My uncle had far more important matters to attend to, so did my other elders, and Fili... Well, Fili would be kind but only after a bit of teasing."

Biting down on his lip, he shifts a little to better face Beth, fixing her with a serious expression. "The night we had our date to the planetarium," he says, "we did little in the way of gazing at the stars. I touched her, like I said, nearly undressed her, and she seemed to quite enjoy it. I just don't want to disappoint her when the time comes to do more."

"Oh, Kili," Beth says, shaking her head. "If she loves you, there's no way you can disappoint her. Before Daryl, there wasn't anyone. I had a couple boyfriends, but we didn't really do much of anything together, so with Daryl, everything was new. It was the same for me, I didn't know anything and I thought... I worried maybe I'd be bad at it, I wouldn't know what to do or what to even say, but it's just... I think it's different when you love someone. You get to figure it out without worrying that you're doin' somethin' wrong, because they don't care."

Right now she finds herself wishing she knew Tauriel better. She wishes she could tell Kili exactly what to expect, she wishes she could predict her reactions, but she can't. Kili knows Tauriel, though, and he loves her, so Beth has to assume she loves him, too. She has to assume that Tauriel is kind to him, that she cares for him, that she would never make him feel silly for not knowing something. And if what he's said is true, if being intimate in that manner is like being married for elves, then Beth has to assume she doesn't know either. It's going to be something they learn together and Beth thinks that could really be rather beautiful.

"It's okay if you don't know, if you gotta learn or even ask her questions," Beth promises. "It really is. You guys can learn it all together and when it happens that you're both ready for it, you'll know all sorts of things already. I promise you won't disappoint her, though. I don't see how you could, not if you love her."

Everything Beth says is what Kili has known in his heart to be true. That night in the planetarium, there'd been a bit of nerves, worry that he might do the wrong thing or go too far, but Tauriel had been vocal about what she'd wanted. She'd commanded, really, which he supposes can't be surprising coming from the Captain of the Mirkwood Elven guard, but Kili had found himself appreciating it because he'd known she wouldn't have let him do anything she didn't like. The way she'd guided him, telling him how to touch her and setting boundaries from the start, had helped immensely, and she hadn't once complained except for when he'd stopped.

"I know you're right," he says, offering a sheepish but grateful smile, "I suppose I just needed to hear it. Tauriel, amrâlimê, she's a funny sort. I did tell you, didn't I, that our relationship would have been frowned upon by dwarrows and Elves alike. Our races are stubborn, desperate to hold old grudges, but as different as she and I are, we both managed to find our way to each other. She turned her back on her king to save me, to follow me and keep me alive when she could have forgotten me altogether. We barely knew each other then and that's all she remembered of our time together. Yet even now, she wants to be with me. How could it be any clearer that our lives have been meant to entwine?"

In the grander scheme of things, it seems rather foolish to concern himself with matters like this. If Tauriel can look move past all the obstacles that have stood in their way until now then of course he can, too, especially one so easily tackled.

"I do feel silly for having brought it up at all," Kili admits, laughing at himself, though it's with good humor. "But I'm fortunate to have you here to make me see reason. I'm not entirely certain what I would do without you."

"I'm glad you're not lettin' that get in your way. Neither of you," she says and she means that with all her heart. It shouldn't matter, not here, not anywhere, but she knows there are places and worlds where it isn't that easy. Even her own relationship wouldn't be easy back where she and Daryl had come from. People have whispered plenty here in Darrow and she finds in general much more acceptance here than she knows they would have found back home. People would have worried about her unnecessarily. People would have had things to say, people would have formed opinions and she knows how hard it is to fight against something like that. Kili doesn't deserve that, he only deserves to be happy and she's glad he and Tauriel have found that together.

"You don't need to feel silly," she assures him. "You can talk to me about anything, no matter how silly it might seem to you. I'll always listen." He's always listened to her, after all, he's been there for her through some of the worst things she's seen in her life. He'd taken her in and made sure she was safe after she thought Daryl disappeared and he hadn't needed to do that. She'll do anything for him in return.

"Besides," she adds with a grin. "I know it's better to have someone to talk to about stuff like that, especially when you're uncertain. I kinda felt like I was flounderin' through everything, but my friend Olive sorta helped me with some of it. I was pretty lost." She was more than lost, wondering if there was something wrong with her, but things are a lot easier now. It's been long enough and she's been reassured enough that she doesn't feel that way anymore. She wouldn't claim to be an expert, not by any means, but she's got a pretty good idea of what it feels like to be uncertain and if she can help someone, she thinks it's sort of her responsibility to do so.

"Anything," she says again. "I never won't wanna talk to you."

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[november 21]

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