a_littlefaith | August 12

August 12

It's been over two months since she realized she was dead. Almost eight weeks since Daryl disappeared. A little over four weeks since he had come back and she'd realized he was another person entirely, not the man she had been set to marry. It's a lot to have happen to anyone in a two month period and for a time she'd felt completely lost, faltering in a way she hadn't liked. It had just seemed easier to crawl into bed and pull the blankets over her head so she wouldn't have to face the world or maybe to take after her father and drink herself into a state where she wouldn't have to care about any of it.

In the end, it's Maggie's example she'd decided to follow. One morning about two weeks ago, she had taken off the moonstone ring Daryl had given her, taken it off for good, and placed it back in the box it had come in. Then she had carefully, lovingly tucked the box in the drawer beside her bed and closed it away. It's what Maggie would have done. It isn't giving up, because Maggie never would have done that, but it's accepting the reality of what is instead of what used to be. Nothing she can do will change the Daryl who's here into the Daryl who left, she has to accept that.

Her sister would have told Beth to look after herself, not to forget about her own needs, so she'd put the ring away, knowing it's the fairest thing she can do for herself and for Daryl. Until she can talk to him about what they used to be, having that reminder of what had come before doesn't do anyone any good. So she takes the ring off and she tries to get back to normal.

Friday night rolls around and she has a gig at a small bar, about thirty minutes worth of material she's written in the past several months. None of the songs are about Daryl, she's been very careful about that, but she likes what she's written. Maybe some of this pain is worth it if it gives her good song writing material. When she sings she feels a little less childlike, a little more like an adult, and she has to wonder how much these past few months have forced her into growing up.

It's scary to think she hadn't felt this much like an adult before and it's sad to think that's what pain does to a person.

But she's smiling by the time she wraps up and her heart feels lighter than it has in some time. Her curls are clinging to her cheeks and her forehead and the back of her neck, the bar hot and damp, the night air warmer still, and as she heads away from the bar -- maybe she'll go home or maybe it's time for a weekend visit to one of her friends -- she finds she actually feels good. Not better, not normal, but good.

[I set it up to let people find her in a variety of places, whatever works best. Out on the street, in the bar where she's playing, at her apartment or their apartment if they'd want her to come visit.]

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"I had no idea what I was doing," Chuck says, and this time, his laugh is a little warmer, comes a little more easily. He knows that, really, what happened wasn't about him. Her falling for Daryl wasn't due to any shortcomings on his part, can't be taken back to any specific moment where he and Beth are, were, concerned. That doesn't mean it wouldn't have happened eventually, though. He's an asshole and he knows it, and he was probably never cut out to be in a relationship in the first place. All this time later, and still, he's got no idea why she was with him in the first place. At least with the choice she made, she got to be happy for a while, got something he never could have given her. When he thinks about the way things have been since — why would she have wanted any part of that? "Not for a second. I'm just glad I didn't screw it up too badly while I had the chance to."

"No one knows what they're doin'," she tells him, then laughs. "Not really. I think that's just part of it. We're all just kinda figurin' it all out as we go along. I know I sure was. Am. I don't know."

She doesn't have any idea what she's doing right now. All she knows is lately being around Chuck is one of the few times she feels good about things. He's familiar and comforting in his way, a reminder that life isn't all tied up in one single person. But being around him isn't complicated either, it isn't like it is when she's about Curtis, her feelings about him confused and dangerous at the best of times.

They're nearing his place, but she doesn't want to go home yet, so she looks at the building, then over at Chuck. "You think it's okay if I come in for a bit? I'm just... I don't think I can go home yet."

She'd said the same sort of thing the day he found her in the park, that she didn't want to go home yet, wasn't ready to. The circumstances now might be entirely different, but it doesn't surprise Chuck as much this time. It's strange, all of it, but they're obviously doing okay, getting along without it being too awkward. He can't really see a reason to turn her down. So he shrugs lopsidedly, as casually as he can, not wanting to make a big deal out of it one way or the other.

"Yeah, it's fine," he says, glancing over at her as he starts towards the door of his building. "I don't mind." He sure as hell can't blame her for wanting to put off going home, under the circumstances. Maybe he's never been where she is, but it's easy to see why it might be difficult, after everything.

"Thanks," she says, her voice quiet. Everyone she had said just a moment ago is absolutely the truth that she feels and it's especially true now. She has no idea what she's doing, what she might be starting or potentially hurting just by asking if she can come up for a little while. When they get upstairs, she doesn't know what her intentions might be or what she's even thinking. All she knows is Maggie's voice is somewhere in the back of her head, a few whispered words she'd told Beth one night in the dark of their shared bedroom after some boy had broken her heart.

The best way to forget is to find someone else.

And she knows how stupid it is, how she can't take that to heart. Maggie had only been seventeen at the time, but it's the sort of memory that's stuck with her all through the years. It's the advice she'd taken when some dumb boy at school whose name she doesn't even remember had turned her down for a date. He'd said no, so she'd said yes to Jimmy.

This isn't the same, it's not even remotely that, it's so much more complicated, but she doesn't care. Not now.

"When I was younger, my sister used to tell me about all her boyfriends and it always seemed so fun," she says, giving another laugh. "I had no idea it could get so serious."

"And I never even gave it much thought at all," Chuck replies, holding the door open for her once they've reached it. "It wasn't something that was ever going to happen, so I never needed to." He'd dedicated his life to the PPDC from too early an age for that, too focused on his duty to ever bother with anything resembling a relationship. There were other pilots who did, he knows, and others like the Kaidanovskys, who worked so well because they were together. For him, though, there just wasn't room for it. In spite of what he'd said to Raleigh that day, he never really thought he was going to come back from that mission, anyway. It was the way it was always supposed to happen, him dying in a Jaeger. Maybe he occasionally appreciated the perks that came with being the equivalent of a fucking rock star, but there'd have been no need for anything more than that, a relationship something that would only have been a distraction.

Here, it's different, or at least it was when Beth first asked him out. He thinks now that maybe he'd had the right idea before, never bothering, when he can't see why anyone would want to date him in the first place, why she did. Like she said, all they could do was figure things out as they went along. She figured out she was in love with someone else. He figured out that he isn't cut out for a relationship.

"Ours was... the first and last time I considered it, I guess."

That still makes her a little sad.

It isn't that she thinks she wants to be in a relationship again, not right now, maybe not for a very long time, and that isn't her intention in inviting herself over like this. Two years ago it had been different, she had wanted to date Chuck, call him her boyfriend, hear him call her his girlfriend, but now she recognizes things are much more complicated than that, not only because he doesn't want something like that, but because she doesn't either. And yet it still makes her sad. Even if she's not cut out to be the person he ends up with, she thinks he's a good guy and he was a good boyfriend, even if he's not sure about that. Even since then he's done nothing but be good to her when he has no reason to bother and she thinks it's not so impossible to find someone who would make him really happy.

That isn't at all what she wants to be thinking about, but there it is.

She pauses by the elevator and presses the button, waiting for the car in silence. Then she says, "I guess there are ways to make it fun again. Instead of serious."

"Yeah?" Chuck asks, glancing over at her from where he's been watching the elevator doors, what's been easier when he really doesn't know what he's doing or why she asked if she could come inside with him. He'd thought it was apparent enough, like when he brought her back here after finding her in the park that day, but he's pretty sure this is now the longest they've talked about their relationship since they were actually together, and it's hard to know what to do with that. It doesn't mean anything, he's sure it doesn't, but it's enough for him to feel a little thrown off even so. "Like what?"

Suddenly she laughs, because she has absolutely no idea what she's doing. This is where Maggie would be forthright, where she would say something that makes it completely clear what she means, but Beth isn't even sure what she means.

She has an idea what she means, but nothing is entirely clear anymore. Everything feels muddy and complicated and she doesn't want that. All she wants right now is simple.

"I dunno, like..." She trails off and shrugs. "My sister would've said to have some kinda no strings attached sort of thing, but I've never done anything like that before."

Chuck can't help the laugh he lets out in turn at that, surprised and genuinely amused. It's definitely not what he was expecting to hear, and even now that she's said so, it's difficult to imagine Beth in an arrangement like that. Given how he knows Beth, though — his own relationship with her, then seeing her so soon in another one — it's easy to see why that might be the case. He's just never considered something like that for her. Evidently, she hasn't really, either.

"Well, speaking from experience, it very much is fun," he says with a wry smile, stepping into the elevator once it pulls up, using one arm to keep the doors open for Beth to step inside. He's done that with a few people in Darrow since dating Beth, and it comes far more easily to him than any actual relationship could. While he doesn't know if she means in general or if she's proposing something here — he can't assume, not with her, not with how he's felt about her — it seems like something that it might be worthwhile for her to try either way. "I'd recommend it."

"Yeah?" she asks, turning to look at him. It doesn't surprise her to find he's done stuff like that, he's talked to her pretty candidly about not wanting to be in a relationship or feeling like he's not cut out for it, but she's certainly not blind and she has to imagine no one else in Darrow is either. Chuck is very, very handsome and he's kind even though he thinks he isn't and she's willing to bet there's any number of girls who are interested in being with him.

As long as none of them are around tonight, Beth doesn't care about that. She's not jealous, she's not looking to be his girlfriend again, but she needs something and she figures this might be worth trying.

"I think I wanna try it," she says, then rests one of her hands against Chuck's stomach, the other on his forearm. "I'm not askin' you for anything serious, I know that's not what you're lookin' for. But I wanna try it and... and I trust you already." It seems like the best place to start and without waiting for an answer she rises up onto her toes, high enough that she can carefully press a kiss to his mouth.

Even with what she's just said, even with the strong possibility that she was referring to something with no strings attached between the two of them, it catches Chuck off guard when she takes the initiative and leans in to kiss him. Part of him thinks he should be annoyed, after everything, after the way things ended between them, but he doesn't have it in him. All of that was so long ago now, and she's here and she wants this, and he can't see a single logical reason to object to that. This isn't like before. Maybe his feelings where Beth is concerned are slightly complicated, but this doesn't need to be.

Surprised or not, it's easy enough to kiss her back, anyway, one hand tentatively coming to rest against her hip. He keeps it soft, not wanting to surge too far ahead too fast, but he has a feeling he knows where this is heading. Still, it seems better to let her determine that for herself when she's the one who's never done this before, who's figuring out what she wants.

He's a good kisser. She'd sort of forgotten that and she has no idea how she would have. He kisses her back and she makes a soft little sound against his mouth, sinking into it, pressing closer, and she thinks this might be easier than she had anticipated. Maybe this is why Maggie had done it when she'd gotten her heart broken in high school, because it was so much easier than anyone expected and it felt good.

For once, she isn't thinking about anything else. She's not thinking about Daryl and what she's going to do when she has to talk to him again. She's not thinking about the things they said to each other or the way she'd felt sick and cowardly when she'd all but run from his apartment. The only thing she's thinking about is Chuck's mouth on hers and the way his muscles feel shifting under his shirt.

The elevator doors slide open and she pulls back, half expecting to find someone staring at them, but they're still alone, and so she smiles, more an invitation than anything.

There's a part of Chuck that can't help wondering if this is a terrible idea, but he does what he can to ignore it. This isn't like before. They know what they're getting into here, the intention clearly enough laid out, and in the event that it winds up not happening, that she changes her mind, he won't feel like he's lost anything. Maybe there's always going to be something strange between them, but it's been a long time now since their relationship ended, and recently he thinks they've found their way back to something resembling friendship. If nothing else, it's enough that they can give this a try without it doing any damage.

When the doors open and she steps back, he smiles down at her, letting him think for nearly the first time since they broke up how beautiful she is. Hell, maybe this will be good for both of them after all.

"Come on," he says, stepping out of the elevator and gesturing down the hall with a tilt of his head, reaching into his pocket for his keys with one hand and taking one of hers with the other. He'd ask if that kiss was alright, if this is, but her smile seems telling enough, and starting something with no strings attached is one thing he knows he's good at.

When he takes her hand, she finds her heart is pounding a little, but it isn't out of fear, she realizes that right away. More than anything else, she's excited. Maybe a little nervous, because she's never done something like this before and she isn't sure how it works or what she needs to do, but she thinks Chuck is willing to help walk her through that. He doesn't seem to think she's being stupid or that they need to stop. If he hadn't wanted to do this, he would have said as much. He wouldn't be leading her down the hall, holding her hand.

Once they get inside, she's halfway through shrugging off her guitar case when she realizes the living room is strewn with someone's things. Clothes and bags, all of it belonging to a woman, and she looks over at Chuck with a little grin at the corners of her mouth.

"Got a roommate?" she asks, but it doesn't matter. She puts her guitar case aside, then moves back toward Chuck, her arms slipping around his waist and pressing herself close to him.

He's been focused enough on Beth, bringing her back here, kissing her in the elevator, that he hadn't even stopped to think about Sally so obviously being here and how that might seem. For a moment, walking inside, Chuck is poised to explain before Beth even says anything — which is stupid, really, when they've discussed what this is and it isn't like he'd have had any reason not to be with someone else — but then she moves in close, not seeming to mind, and it's a relief. He doesn't have any expectations here, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out, but he wouldn't want it to be over something like this.

"Friend of mine got kicked out of her place," he explains, smiling down at Beth, clearly more interested in her than the state of his living room. "I'm letting her stay here a while." It is a good thing, he thinks, that Sally isn't around now, but that's all the more reason not to linger in the living room. Instead, he leans down to kiss Beth again, briefly this time. "I don't think we need to stay out here, do you?"

When he says it like that, so forthright, it sends a little shiver down Beth's spine, and she almost can't quite believe she's really doing this. A year ago she would have thought this silly, maybe even reckless, but suddenly she feels like she understands. It's so important for her to realize right now that she can be someone else, someone besides the person who was -- and still is, she knows -- in love with Daryl.

She gets to decide things now. She's strong enough to be on her own and do whatever she wants.

"No," she says. "I don't think we do either." And even though they dated, she's never been in Chuck's bedroom before. He'd always been so good with her, not pushing her further than she was comfortable, but things have changed. Everything has changed. She's never been in there, but that doesn't mean she doesn't know where it is and so she starts down the hall ahead of him, flashing a grin over her shoulder.

Following along after her, Chuck can't help returning Beth's smile, huffing out a quiet laugh as he does. The way things are now, the way they've been these past few minutes, already seems like a far cry from when they were dating, but a lot has happened since then. That's probably for the best, anyway, he thinks. He wouldn't want it to be too much like before, when what they're doing in the first place is something else entirely. There are others he's done this sort of thing with, but not Beth. Maybe that means they'll both have to find their footing, figure this out, but it seems likely enough that they'll manage.

His own room is a far cry from the living room, everything neat and sparse, all but empty. Some old habits really do die hard, and growing up in the military, being shuffled between Shatterdomes, there hadn't been much room or need for anything else, and that hasn't changed here. Inside, the door closed behind them in case Sally does turn up at some point, he stops for a moment, just looking at her. "Well, this isn't how I expected today to go."

"No," she agrees with a breathless little laugh. "Me neither."

And absurdly, she sort of wants to thank him. For making it easy, for being exactly who he is, for not expecting anything of her when they had been dating, for being able to be for her now. The road they've taken to get here is long and weird and complicated, but it's worked out somehow and for that she's grateful.

Instead she figures she'll just do her best to make this good for him. Maybe she's only ever been with Daryl, but she never heard a single complaint from him and she isn't interested in feeling insecure now. This is going to be fun for them. She's not going to allow herself to worry it might not be.

Coming up close to him again, she slips her arms around his waist, rising onto her toes, pushing up into another kiss.

It's a little easier this time, letting himself kiss her and not second-guess it, confident that this is what they both want. He still doesn't want to push her, doesn't want to go too far too fast when they've never done this before, wants to make sure she has every opportunity to put a stop to this if she decides to. She seems sure, though, her arms around his waist and her mouth on his, and he sure as hell can't protest. Instead, he draws her just a little closer, one hand at the small of her back, the other resting on her jaw with about as much gentleness as he's capable of. That's never been his strongest suit, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it seems safer when he doesn't know what she wants from this or what she likes.

He supposes that's something he'll figure out pretty soon.

In the meantime, it's enough just to kiss her. He can't remember the last time he did — at the time, he hadn't known it would be the last time — and that, too, is something that's probably for the best. The more he can keep their history out of his head, the better off they'll be.

He always was good at this. She remember at the time, before everything had changed, she'd allowed herself to think what it might be like to sleep with him. At the time she'd also thought she was going to wait until she got married, but she had still wondered what it might be like. When they would kiss, when they would make out, it always felt so good, and she's changed so much from the person she was at that time that she wonders if Chuck would be surprised by the things she's done.

Probably he would be, she decides. Not that it matters right now. The only thing that matters right now is what they both want.

Her hands slide down his back, down toward the hem of his shirt where they slip under the material and spread across his lower back. His skin is warm and she hums softly into his mouth, a sound of pleasure, of approval.

Her hands feel good against his skin, and Chuck leans into the kiss for it, a little more intent, a little more sure. He may still have no idea what he's doing — God, it's hard to when they never did anything more than this when they were dating, and he neither knows nor wants to know the details of her relationship with Daryl — but this much is easy. So, too, surprisingly, is keeping himself in check. He's had a lot of other experience, and usually that's much more to the point. Even if the destination is the same here, though, the circumstances are different, and he can go slow, let her lead.

She always did bring out another side of him. It's really no wonder that the same is true now, even after all this time.

His thumb brushes along her cheekbone, and then his hand moves back, sliding into her hair. Even if she changes her mind, even if they don't get past just kissing, he thinks it still will have been worth it. At least they will have had this, something much better than the way things ended between them before.

Under her hands, his skin is warm, the shifting of muscles feels good, and she gives another soft little moan, pushing up higher on her toes, pushing her body against his. She knows why she's here, what she wants, she knows what he's willing to give to her and she slips her hands around from his back, fingers spreading across his abdomen, feeling the tight shift of muscles here, too. She's only ever been with one other person and she knows she shouldn't compare, but a little part of her can't seem to help it. Chuck just feels different than Daryl, different in a way she wants so badly now that it's here, being presented, and she pushes his shirt up a little, not impatiently, but enough so that she can get at more of his skin.

Her fingers curve under just slightly and she keeps her nails short, but they still scratch lightly against his stomach.

She doesn't want to get ahead of herself, but she thinks about his hands on her skin like hers are on him now and it makes her shiver pleasurably.

Chuck draws in a breath through his teeth when he feels Beth's nails against his skin, then exhales in a quiet laugh against her mouth, emboldened slightly by the way she moves, the hand he's had at her back sliding down to her ass, still holding her close. Going slow has never really been his style, but here with her, it makes the most sense to let her set the pace, to figure out how this is going to go. God, does he want to touch her, though, eager to let his hands move over her body, to feel her skin under his palms. They never went very far when they were dating and he was fine with that, but it's not like he didn't think about it at the time. He pushed all of that aside for a time because he needed to, not wanting to dwell on her after they broke up, but it all comes back now.

Though he'd told her that he hadn't been expecting this today, it goes far beyond that. This isn't a chance he was supposed to have gotten at all.

It takes most of her focus to actually break the kiss and she looks up at him for a second, a grin at the corners of her mouth before she draws her hands out from under his shirt and unzips the little sweater she's wearing over her tank top. She shakes it off, leaving it on the floor, then presses close to him again.

"You always were real good at this," she teases breathlessly, then presses up to kiss him again.

She's braver than she used to be. In the time since they dated, she's learned a lot about what to do, how to move, what she likes and how to ask what someone else likes. Maybe she's never going to be an expert, but she thinks she knows what she's doing here, at least to the extent they'll both have a good time, and so her hands creep under Chuck's shirt again, pushing it up now, up and out of the way.

It isn't exactly an easy thing, trying to get out of his shirt when he doesn't want to take his hands off Beth or stop kissing her, but he does so as best he can, taking it one arm at a time, until his t-shirt is bunched around his neck, his mouth still on hers. He wants to say that she was always good at this, too, but at the same time, it's different now. She seems more confident, more practiced, and maybe he doesn't want to think about why that's the case, but he can't say he minds it. It's a good thing if this isn't too much like before.

Finally, reluctantly, he draws back from kissing her again, tugging his shirt overhead and dropping it on the floor, his hands smoothing down her arms once he has. "I'm good at other things, too," he says, his voice low. There may not be many things fitting that description, but he's good in a fight and he's good in bed, and right now, it's only the latter that's important.

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