![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Jul. 21st, 2016 11:01 amA lot of the time lately, Beth sort of feels like she's only just holding on.
So much has happened at once, so many things one right after another, the memories of Grady and everything that happened there, Daryl disappearing, then Daryl coming back, here all over again, but an entirely different man. Not the one she was going to marry. Closer to the one she'd known in Georgia, but not quite that man either. Bad things have happened to him, not only her death. A lot of the time lately, she feels like she's only doing things because she has to, not because they give her any happiness, and that isn't a feeling she likes very much.
Having hope, taking pleasure in life, working hard, but also doing things that made her happy, those are the lessons her father tried to teach her and she feels like she's failing him so completely by being unable to do any of those things right now. It feels like that week she'd spent in bed all over again, only this time she can't just stop functioning. This time she has to keep moving.
She hasn't had anything to drink since the party at the amusement park, but sometimes she wants to and she understands a little better now how and why Hershel Greene had ended up where he had for a time. She can see how it would be hard to claw out from under that feeling, so she doesn't drink, because it isn't worth it at the end of it all, but sometimes she really, really wants to.
Her visits with Daryl are mostly awkward and she hasn't said much to anyone but Kili about it, but today, after dropping some things off for him, she can't just go home. She should probably just go see Kili, but she finds herself at the apartment Curtis and Yona share, knocking hesitantly on the door, half hoping no one is home and half desperately needing to see Curtis. That's dangerous, too, and she knows it. When Daryl had been here, it had been easy enough to label any feelings she has for Curtis as a silly sort of crush, the kind she'd had on countless handsome men before him, but things aren't the same anymore.
Nothing is the same. She just doesn't know what to do with any of it.
So much has happened at once, so many things one right after another, the memories of Grady and everything that happened there, Daryl disappearing, then Daryl coming back, here all over again, but an entirely different man. Not the one she was going to marry. Closer to the one she'd known in Georgia, but not quite that man either. Bad things have happened to him, not only her death. A lot of the time lately, she feels like she's only doing things because she has to, not because they give her any happiness, and that isn't a feeling she likes very much.
Having hope, taking pleasure in life, working hard, but also doing things that made her happy, those are the lessons her father tried to teach her and she feels like she's failing him so completely by being unable to do any of those things right now. It feels like that week she'd spent in bed all over again, only this time she can't just stop functioning. This time she has to keep moving.
She hasn't had anything to drink since the party at the amusement park, but sometimes she wants to and she understands a little better now how and why Hershel Greene had ended up where he had for a time. She can see how it would be hard to claw out from under that feeling, so she doesn't drink, because it isn't worth it at the end of it all, but sometimes she really, really wants to.
Her visits with Daryl are mostly awkward and she hasn't said much to anyone but Kili about it, but today, after dropping some things off for him, she can't just go home. She should probably just go see Kili, but she finds herself at the apartment Curtis and Yona share, knocking hesitantly on the door, half hoping no one is home and half desperately needing to see Curtis. That's dangerous, too, and she knows it. When Daryl had been here, it had been easy enough to label any feelings she has for Curtis as a silly sort of crush, the kind she'd had on countless handsome men before him, but things aren't the same anymore.
Nothing is the same. She just doesn't know what to do with any of it.
