a_littlefaith | Entries tagged with curtis

It's not like she and Curtis are wanting for time alone, but their unique situation does sort of make it so their intimate moments have to sometimes be a little on the rushed side and, more often than not, a lot on the quiet side, which has been a bit of a challenge for Beth. She likes to hear him, likes knowing what she's doing to him, and she likes being vocal, too, which is one of those things she never expected of herself.

Of course, there's a whole slew of things she likes that she never expected.

Years ago now, she'd talked to Olive about it all, had admitted how worried she'd been, if it meant something was wrong with her that she liked when Daryl fisted his fingers in her hair and pulled, but Olive had done wonders in reassuring her it was very normal. Then Daryl had disappeared and Beth, in some weird effort to distance herself from that, had made sure anything she might be able to relate to him in some way didn't enter into her relationship with Curtis.

She's beginning to realize now just how unfair she's been to herself. To Curtis, too. Maybe it's something she discovered with Daryl, but he'd been her first everything, more or less, and she isn't going to keep herself from Curtis just because someone else had been there before him. It doesn't make sense for her to keep the rest of it from him either and so she's showing up at his place this afternoon with an idea, at least, of what she might do. It's not a plan, it's nothing so solid as that, but they both know why she's coming here in the middle of the afternoon when they both have time off and Yona, Carl, and Judith are all otherwise occupied.

She's a little nervous, she realizes, as she waits for him to answer the door. And she sort of likes that.

Things haven't exactly been easy as of late and Beth is running herself ragged.

It doesn't matter, she's going to do it no matter how exhausted she gets, no matter how dark the circles under her eyes become, because Carl and Judith are everything to her. There's already been a visit with the social worker after they were called when Carl was shot and no one is accusing Beth of anything, they've all been really supportive, but Carl isn't eighteen yet and Beth is still legally his guardian and something really awful has happened to him. They've asked her a few times if she thinks she needs any extra support, but she reads that as Judith being taken away from them and so she insists she's fine, she can do this, she has people who'll give her a hand.

But some of them aren't here anymore.

A few months ago, she would have called Kili and she knows he would have done anything to help her, he would have watched Judith any time she asked, but he's gone now. Every so often she reaches for her phone, thinking she'll text him, and she remembers all over again, the pain of that loss nearly crushing in the wake of everything else that's happened.

She's leaning heavily on Curtis. Too heavily maybe, but she doesn't know what else to do. She still needs to work and she can't afford to hire a sitter every time she does and so on some evenings when Curtis isn't working, she leaves him at the apartment with Judith, apologizing over and over, and trying to work out some way for her to fix this. Some way to be able to do everything.

Heading home this evening, a little later than usual, she considers maybe asking the social worker for help. Maybe they'll be able to find some inexpensive childcare for her, something that means she won't feel spread quite so thin, which means she'll be able to focus on helping Carl get better. She's considering this as she unlocks the apartment door, taking care to be quiet, because chances are Curtis already has Judith asleep.

Just inside the door, though, she stops. He has her asleep alright, but she's curled up nearly on top of him, wedged in the small space between the arm of the couch and his torso, her fingers curled in the material of his t-shirt. For a second she thinks he might be asleep, too, but then she sees his eyes are open in the dim light and she waves at him before quietly locking the door and coming into the room.

"What happened here?" she asks, her voice soft.

The past few weeks have been weird and stressful and difficult in a lot of ways. She's not in school, she has an entirely different routine, and she misses Kili pretty much all the time. After going to his place and taking his bow and arrows, she'd spent a long time trying to figure out what to do with them. In the end, she'd snapped off the head of one arrow and dulled it down carefully, then strung it on the same chain where she wears her cross.

Now it clinks softly against the metal, comforting her. It isn't enough, it doesn't give her her best friend back, but it does something and that's all she can ask for right now.

There are a few constants in her life and for that she's grateful. Music helps her, it gives her something to focus on, and she writes about everything she's feeling. About Kili and everything he gave her.

And so she still takes gigs in bars and cafes. There are musicians who are working with her now, but tonight she's playing on her own, playing some of her older songs and some of her newer ones, the ones she's written since her death, since Daryl's disappearance, songs about everything she's done, songs about Curtis, though she's careful to never mention him by name, because he comes to see her play and she knows people don't always like hearing their names in song.

If he listens, though, he might figure out which ones are about him.

It's a good show and she's not entirely subdued, getting into the atmosphere and by the time she's done, she's smiling. Curtis is here tonight and she intends on heading over to him, but first she has to pack up and that takes a few minutes, leaving her by the stage as people talk and drink around her.

Although she still tries to be careful about not spending too many nights away from home, the fact that she doesn't have to head to early morning classes any longer paired with the fact that Curtis usually works later have combined to make it so Beth finds herself reluctant to leave some nights, knowing that if she stays she gets to wake up like this.

She's warm and comfortable, and even without opening her eyes she can tell Curtis is still asleep, his breathing slow and steady, his fingers occasionally twitching against her hip where his hand had ended up at some point during the night. He's dreaming, she thinks, and she finds herself wondering what he's seeing behind his closed eyes. If he's dreaming of the train, something from his past, something nice from the future, or something completely absurd, like most of her dreams tend to be. There had been a very nice dream or two about Curtis before they'd kissed at Kagura that second time, but for the most part her dreams seem to be nonsense.

It doesn't matter really, not when waking up is the best part lately. Or the second best part, anyway, because she's pretty fond of everything that happens before they fall asleep, too.

Without opening her eyes, she burrows a little closer, pressing her nose against his shoulder. She knows she should just let him sleep, especially when she opens her eyes and looks at him, his brow smooth and unfurrowed. Her hand lifts almost against her will, but she can't help herself, and she reaches up, smoothing her fingers across his forehead, running her thumb against his eyebrow, then down the ridge of his cheekbone. It's only when she reaches the corner of his mouth she really looks at her hand.

And it isn't her hand.

Without thinking, Beth shrieks and shoves herself backward, toppling over the edge of the bed and onto the floor with a crash. The comforter stays on the bed, but the sheet comes with her, tangled around her legs -- muscular, hairy legs -- and she catches sight of everything else that's changed as she sprawls on the floor and she can't think. She can't do anything. All she can do is lie there half tangled in a sheet, mostly naked, and stare at her new penis.

When Beth finally realizes Daryl is gone again, she becomes aware of something else at the same time, something that says a lot about her and they aren't things she particularly likes. It's Friday when she tries to get in touch with him and can't, Saturday when she goes to his apartment looking for him, Sunday when she accepts he's really gone for a second time and at the same time comes to understand she doesn't actually know how long he's been gone.

Since she and Curtis slept together that first night, she's been avoiding him. That's weeks ago now, weeks in which she'd had pretty much no contact at all with Daryl, not wanting to have to explain she's with someone now, someone she cares about a lot. If she'd seen him, she probably wouldn't have even said anything, kept the information to herself out of fear of what kinds of complications it might bring and so choosing to not see him instead had given her the grace to feel a little bit better about herself.

Now she feels awful.

This is a conversation she'll have to have with Carl again, but she finds herself going to Curtis first. There's a sense of sadness as she walks to his place, but there's a larger part of her that feels disconnected and even a little bit of relief.

She texts Curtis when she gets there. Come downstairs. Yona might be in the apartment and Beth adores her, but she doesn't want to see her right now. She only wants to see Curtis.

A lot of the time lately, Beth sort of feels like she's only just holding on.

So much has happened at once, so many things one right after another, the memories of Grady and everything that happened there, Daryl disappearing, then Daryl coming back, here all over again, but an entirely different man. Not the one she was going to marry. Closer to the one she'd known in Georgia, but not quite that man either. Bad things have happened to him, not only her death. A lot of the time lately, she feels like she's only doing things because she has to, not because they give her any happiness, and that isn't a feeling she likes very much.

Having hope, taking pleasure in life, working hard, but also doing things that made her happy, those are the lessons her father tried to teach her and she feels like she's failing him so completely by being unable to do any of those things right now. It feels like that week she'd spent in bed all over again, only this time she can't just stop functioning. This time she has to keep moving.

She hasn't had anything to drink since the party at the amusement park, but sometimes she wants to and she understands a little better now how and why Hershel Greene had ended up where he had for a time. She can see how it would be hard to claw out from under that feeling, so she doesn't drink, because it isn't worth it at the end of it all, but sometimes she really, really wants to.

Her visits with Daryl are mostly awkward and she hasn't said much to anyone but Kili about it, but today, after dropping some things off for him, she can't just go home. She should probably just go see Kili, but she finds herself at the apartment Curtis and Yona share, knocking hesitantly on the door, half hoping no one is home and half desperately needing to see Curtis. That's dangerous, too, and she knows it. When Daryl had been here, it had been easy enough to label any feelings she has for Curtis as a silly sort of crush, the kind she'd had on countless handsome men before him, but things aren't the same anymore.

Nothing is the same. She just doesn't know what to do with any of it.

This year, Beth tries not to make a big deal about Valentine's Day. She's not one of those people who hates it or thinks it's just another day or anything like that, because even though she knows it's been commercialized a lot, there's still something awfully nice about having a day specifically dedicated to love. And she has plans, she has cards for her friends, and little bundles of candies and chocolate she's put together for all of them.

But she remembers last year and how that song had been playing non-stop in Daryl's head, and so she's not foolish enough to think they'll just get through the whole day without something going wrong. So if she doesn't put too many expectations on the day itself, she's sure it'll be better for everyone involved. And if the day turns out to be rather nice, then so much the better.

Even though it's a bit of a holiday, it's also a regular day like every other, and so Beth has work. She has plans to go around the city once she's done, dropping off her cards and little gift bags, but she still has to make it through five hours of helping people around the store, even though Sundays are never that busy. Mark, her boss, has bought a box of chocolate that he's left out in the staff room and Beth heads back there more than once to grab another chocolate or two to help her get through the rest of the day.

By the time she's ready to leave, she's feeling pretty good, and she can't wait to see her friends. Her bag is filled with cards and candy and she's got a little bounce in her step as she leaves the store and starts the walk to her first destination.