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[September 3]
Aug. 30th, 2016 02:22 pmFor the most part these days, Beth feels pretty good. There are the days when she feels guilty about feeling good given everything that's happened over the past several months, but earlier in the month she had made the decision to go a little easier on herself and it's better since then. Not always, of course, there are the days when she finds herself wondering what the hell she's doing, if she's making a mess of her entire life, if Daryl is ever going to be at ease around her, if she even wants him to be, and she's prone to spiraling into that self-doubt, but Kili is usually around to help pull her out of it.
She can't predict the future. She doesn't know where anything is going to go. All she knows is that she can only be responsible for herself and the last time she had allowed herself to sink deeper and deeper into her pain, it had ended with the ragged scar on her wrist.
So she died. And her fiancé disappeared before coming back without any of his memories of their life together. That all sucks, but the rest of her life doesn't. She's here and she's going back to school in the fall and she has friends and people who mean the world to her. That she's complicated some of those relationships, too, hasn't gone unnoticed, but that's working out surprisingly well, too. At least Chuck is satisfied with something easy and uncomplicated and Beth, who had once been convinced she would never sleep with anyone but her husband and only after their wedding, is enjoying herself more than she would've thought.
Tonight she's playing at a club and it's a little bit of a bigger crowd than she's used to, tons of people packing inside because it's a Saturday night and this was the place they'd decided to go. As a result, she's kept her playlist light, more upbeat, playing her faster and more cheerful songs. By the time she's done she's as happy as she's ever been, her skin shining with sweat from the lights, and as she hops off the stage and begins to pack up her gear, she has to believe things can just continue to go up from here.
Tonight, at least, she's going to let herself believe everything can get better.
She can't predict the future. She doesn't know where anything is going to go. All she knows is that she can only be responsible for herself and the last time she had allowed herself to sink deeper and deeper into her pain, it had ended with the ragged scar on her wrist.
So she died. And her fiancé disappeared before coming back without any of his memories of their life together. That all sucks, but the rest of her life doesn't. She's here and she's going back to school in the fall and she has friends and people who mean the world to her. That she's complicated some of those relationships, too, hasn't gone unnoticed, but that's working out surprisingly well, too. At least Chuck is satisfied with something easy and uncomplicated and Beth, who had once been convinced she would never sleep with anyone but her husband and only after their wedding, is enjoying herself more than she would've thought.
Tonight she's playing at a club and it's a little bit of a bigger crowd than she's used to, tons of people packing inside because it's a Saturday night and this was the place they'd decided to go. As a result, she's kept her playlist light, more upbeat, playing her faster and more cheerful songs. By the time she's done she's as happy as she's ever been, her skin shining with sweat from the lights, and as she hops off the stage and begins to pack up her gear, she has to believe things can just continue to go up from here.
Tonight, at least, she's going to let herself believe everything can get better.
