Beth Greene

They've just been to see Curtis, not for a long visit, but long enough for Judith to climb into his lap several times, trying to get him to come home and draw with her. Even after having it explained to her that he needs to work this evening -- which she understands now, sometimes Beth can't believe just how grown up she's gotten -- she'd begged a few more times before Beth had laughed and scooped her up, then kissed Curtis and headed for the door.

They hadn't gotten far before Judith had squirmed out of Beth's hold, run back to Curtis and demanded a kiss of her own and Beth had watched with a grin before finally getting the little girl into the elevator where she had immediately pressed the button for the next floor up.

They're supposed to be headed home, but now that Judith has changed the direction of the elevator, Beth doesn't see why they shouldn't head up to see if Nate is home. She hasn't seen him for a little while and she figures he's just been busy, which she has been, too, and she can hardly fault him for it. But still, he's Nate, and he's important to her. It doesn't take much time out of her day to stop by and Judith isn't even close to ready to settle in for the evening so it'll be good for her to expend just a little bit more energy.

What she doesn't expect at all, as she reaches Nate's door with Judith holding her hand, is for a tall, gorgeous woman to step out of his apartment. Beth sees the woman roll her eyes, but it's fond, and then she shuts the door behind her, stopping only when she realizes there's someone else standing there, too. She's beautiful and even just looking at her for five seconds, Beth can feel her confidence and she suddenly feels like a little kid. Holding the hand of an even littler kid.

"Uh... hi," she says. "Is Nate at home?"

The woman's eyebrow lifts and she glances down at Judith, then back at Beth. "Yeah, sunshine, he's at home. You might want to give him a minute, though."

"Why- oh." Beth flushes and the woman laughs, though the sound isn't completely unkind. She's looking at Beth almost as if she's familiar and for a second she thinks she might say something, but then she's walking down the hall, headed for the elevator. Beth turns to watch her go, then realizes most people probably do the same thing, and flushes deeper as she turns back to face Nate's apartment.

What he does is completely his business, but she has to wonder if that's why she hasn't seen much of him lately. If maybe he's got a girlfriend and hasn't told her about it.

As Judith grows agitated and bored, Beth counts to sixty in her head, then does it again before she finally goes to knock on Nate's door. Quickly, realizing he might think it's his friend coming back, she calls out, "It's not your girlfriend! It's Beth."

So he better come to the door with his clothes on.

Beth has never really been much of one for parties or drinking or anything like that, but she recognizes that's at least partly due to the fact that she never had the chance. One day she was fifteen and the next day half her family was dead, shuffling around in the barn, the entire world outside their farm cut off and ripped apart and dying. She'd grown up in the middle of the end of the world, so she knows it makes sense she never had much interest in anything like that, because there was never any real high school or college experience for her.

In Darrow, being in college had been serious. A second chance. She'd been there to get a degree, to make sure she could provide for the people who were suddenly her responsibility, and she hadn't felt the slightest urge to goof off or go out to parties when she was invited. If she wasn't in school, she was working, either at the music store or playing music, and if she wasn't doing that, she had Judith to look after.

It's a good life, she won't ever complain about it, not when she knows she's lucky to have it at all, but lately, with school on the back burner and Carl getting better and better, she's found herself kind of tempted by the invitations she gets. Not specifically those invitations, because they usually come from guys who've watched her play, and that's not the sort of fun night she has in mind, but she texts Blue on a whim one day, asking if she'd like to go out one Saturday evening.

It might not be quite a party, they're not exactly planning on going clubbing, but it's still something she's never really done before, getting together with a girlfriend on a Saturday night. They can do anything they want and that's what makes it feel so normal.

Beth kisses Curtis, promises not to be too late, then heads out the door to meet up with Blue.

Bit by bit, things are getting better.

Carl is back at school, although not full time, and he's been going out more often. He still gets tired easily and there's still a lot of medical stuff coming his way, and so Judith's care is still mostly on Beth's shoulders, but she's gotten better at balancing that, too. The fact that she's not in school right now helps, not to mention how good her boss at the music store has been about everything, and how much help Curtis is giving her, so she's not as utterly exhausted as she had been those first few weeks.

Which means she's playing again. Practicing with the band, playing with them here and there, playing on her own more often. They're good and she has a lot of fun with them, but more and more lately she's been thinking she might have to strike out on her own. She wants to see what Curt thinks, if he thinks there's even a chance of her getting any further than this, but maybe she's just not meant to be with a band.

Tonight she's on her own. The bar she's playing is small and smokey, located in the basement of a bigger venue, but it has character. It's not like there's an exclusive guest list or anything, anyone who wants to get in is welcome, but they don't let just anyone play here, and Beth's been waiting for her chances for ages. She doesn't even mind the cigarette smoke all that much, the whole thing just lending to the atmosphere of the place. Ever since she got the go ahead, she's been working on some new music and she debuts a bit of it tonight. Darker stuff. Heavier lyrics, harder and angrier guitar chords. There are still her trademark songs, of course, a sweet one about Curtis even though she doesn't mention him by now, but there's a mix now. Something different. Something new.

When she's finished, she packs up, leaves her guitar in what passes for a tiny green room, then heads toward the bar so she can get some water. It's crowded and she has to slip between a few people, ducking under some guy's outstretched arms balancing a few beers, and then ending up bumping into a tall, older guy right at the bar.

"Whoops, sorry," she says with a little laugh, brushing some of her hair off her damp forehead. "Kinda nuts in here, huh?"

Things haven't exactly been easy as of late and Beth is running herself ragged.

It doesn't matter, she's going to do it no matter how exhausted she gets, no matter how dark the circles under her eyes become, because Carl and Judith are everything to her. There's already been a visit with the social worker after they were called when Carl was shot and no one is accusing Beth of anything, they've all been really supportive, but Carl isn't eighteen yet and Beth is still legally his guardian and something really awful has happened to him. They've asked her a few times if she thinks she needs any extra support, but she reads that as Judith being taken away from them and so she insists she's fine, she can do this, she has people who'll give her a hand.

But some of them aren't here anymore.

A few months ago, she would have called Kili and she knows he would have done anything to help her, he would have watched Judith any time she asked, but he's gone now. Every so often she reaches for her phone, thinking she'll text him, and she remembers all over again, the pain of that loss nearly crushing in the wake of everything else that's happened.

She's leaning heavily on Curtis. Too heavily maybe, but she doesn't know what else to do. She still needs to work and she can't afford to hire a sitter every time she does and so on some evenings when Curtis isn't working, she leaves him at the apartment with Judith, apologizing over and over, and trying to work out some way for her to fix this. Some way to be able to do everything.

Heading home this evening, a little later than usual, she considers maybe asking the social worker for help. Maybe they'll be able to find some inexpensive childcare for her, something that means she won't feel spread quite so thin, which means she'll be able to focus on helping Carl get better. She's considering this as she unlocks the apartment door, taking care to be quiet, because chances are Curtis already has Judith asleep.

Just inside the door, though, she stops. He has her asleep alright, but she's curled up nearly on top of him, wedged in the small space between the arm of the couch and his torso, her fingers curled in the material of his t-shirt. For a second she thinks he might be asleep, too, but then she sees his eyes are open in the dim light and she waves at him before quietly locking the door and coming into the room.

"What happened here?" she asks, her voice soft.

Playing with a band is definitely something new, but Beth is getting used to it and she's having a good time. It's not like she's famous or anything, but she's managed to garner a bit of a reputation within Darrow and so the musicians she settles on (a sweet girl a few years older than her named Carrie on the drums and a quiet guy her age named Jack on bass) are people who actually enjoy her music and are willing to follow her lead. That's a cool feeling, even if she doesn't know quite what to do with it, and she tries to make sure any new writing they do is completely collaborative, but they also learn all her other songs and write new parts for them.

Which she loves.

It's different when it's just her, songs she's written, words she's put to music. Having someone add to it like this makes her feel like she's on her way to actually being professional. Maybe that's a bit of a leap, but she's still having a good time.

This isn't their first live performance, but it's one of them and so they're not perfect yet. They're still learning each other, but by the end of their set they're all sweaty and smiling, and when Beth packs up her guitar, she feels really good about the whole thing.

If she's honest, she doesn't know what her next step is supposed to be, but she'll figure it out.

Although she still tries to be careful about not spending too many nights away from home, the fact that she doesn't have to head to early morning classes any longer paired with the fact that Curtis usually works later have combined to make it so Beth finds herself reluctant to leave some nights, knowing that if she stays she gets to wake up like this.

She's warm and comfortable, and even without opening her eyes she can tell Curtis is still asleep, his breathing slow and steady, his fingers occasionally twitching against her hip where his hand had ended up at some point during the night. He's dreaming, she thinks, and she finds herself wondering what he's seeing behind his closed eyes. If he's dreaming of the train, something from his past, something nice from the future, or something completely absurd, like most of her dreams tend to be. There had been a very nice dream or two about Curtis before they'd kissed at Kagura that second time, but for the most part her dreams seem to be nonsense.

It doesn't matter really, not when waking up is the best part lately. Or the second best part, anyway, because she's pretty fond of everything that happens before they fall asleep, too.

Without opening her eyes, she burrows a little closer, pressing her nose against his shoulder. She knows she should just let him sleep, especially when she opens her eyes and looks at him, his brow smooth and unfurrowed. Her hand lifts almost against her will, but she can't help herself, and she reaches up, smoothing her fingers across his forehead, running her thumb against his eyebrow, then down the ridge of his cheekbone. It's only when she reaches the corner of his mouth she really looks at her hand.

And it isn't her hand.

Without thinking, Beth shrieks and shoves herself backward, toppling over the edge of the bed and onto the floor with a crash. The comforter stays on the bed, but the sheet comes with her, tangled around her legs -- muscular, hairy legs -- and she catches sight of everything else that's changed as she sprawls on the floor and she can't think. She can't do anything. All she can do is lie there half tangled in a sheet, mostly naked, and stare at her new penis.

It's two weeks before Beth realizes she has to sort of break up with Chuck again.

Nothing about this situation is the same, she knows that, and she's pretty sure Chuck isn't going to react to this with anything but good humour, so she's really more amused than she is genuinely nervous, but even so there's a little part of her that wonders. Over two years ago, she'd ended a relationship with Chuck to be with someone else, and now she's not even with that someone else anymore. Instead there's been an engagement, a disappearance, a reappearance, and then this. What she and Chuck have been doing.

And it's been fun. Caring for Chuck has always been easy and they've settled into this thing that isn't dating, that's really only having sex once in awhile and actually just being friends beyond that and she's had fun, but it's time for it to end. Not the friendship part, she really wants to keep that and she's pretty sure it won't be a problem this time, but they can't sleep together anymore.

So she texts him, asks him to come out and meet her for coffee because she thinks if she asks to come to his place, he might think she's coming over for one specific reason. The one reason she can't come over any longer.

Lately things are a little more weird than Beth really wants to dwell on for long.

The thing is, she can't not dwell on it. It's like it's the only thing she's able to think about when she lays down at night and closes her eyes and tries to get to sleep. The worst part about it all is that she feels so selfish, because the person she would talk to about it usually, the person she would trust most to help her has so much of his own going on right now that she doesn't want to bother him with it. Kili is newly married and he's only just lost his brother, which is awful. So deeply awful. Beth feels for him and tries to be there for him as best she can, which means not burdening him with any of the stuff going on in her head right now.

Because the thing is, she can't really keep lying to herself and pretending she doesn't have more than just friendly feelings for Curtis. Which in itself fills her with guilt, like she's doing something wrong. Daryl was gone and now he's back and there's a part of her that thinks it's expected they'll eventually get back together, but she thinks about it and it makes her chest tight in a way that all but steals her ability to breathe.

She loves him, but he isn't the same person. He's not the man she was engaged to.

But she can't stop the guilt. It's so damn confusing and complicated. Half the time she feels like she's going to throw up and she doesn't know who to talk to.

Which is probably why Nate is going to regret agreeing to meet her for coffee today. She needs to tell someone, she needs someone else to hear everything she's feeling and thinking, and normally that would be Kili, but she just can't do that to him right now. He needs to mourn and to heal, not carry her burdens, too. So she's waiting for Nate at the coffee shop she likes best, nervously twisting her fingers and glancing up every so often, hoping he'll be here soon.

For the most part these days, Beth feels pretty good. There are the days when she feels guilty about feeling good given everything that's happened over the past several months, but earlier in the month she had made the decision to go a little easier on herself and it's better since then. Not always, of course, there are the days when she finds herself wondering what the hell she's doing, if she's making a mess of her entire life, if Daryl is ever going to be at ease around her, if she even wants him to be, and she's prone to spiraling into that self-doubt, but Kili is usually around to help pull her out of it.

She can't predict the future. She doesn't know where anything is going to go. All she knows is that she can only be responsible for herself and the last time she had allowed herself to sink deeper and deeper into her pain, it had ended with the ragged scar on her wrist.

So she died. And her fiancé disappeared before coming back without any of his memories of their life together. That all sucks, but the rest of her life doesn't. She's here and she's going back to school in the fall and she has friends and people who mean the world to her. That she's complicated some of those relationships, too, hasn't gone unnoticed, but that's working out surprisingly well, too. At least Chuck is satisfied with something easy and uncomplicated and Beth, who had once been convinced she would never sleep with anyone but her husband and only after their wedding, is enjoying herself more than she would've thought.

Tonight she's playing at a club and it's a little bit of a bigger crowd than she's used to, tons of people packing inside because it's a Saturday night and this was the place they'd decided to go. As a result, she's kept her playlist light, more upbeat, playing her faster and more cheerful songs. By the time she's done she's as happy as she's ever been, her skin shining with sweat from the lights, and as she hops off the stage and begins to pack up her gear, she has to believe things can just continue to go up from here.

Tonight, at least, she's going to let herself believe everything can get better.

A lot of the time lately, Beth sort of feels like she's only just holding on.

So much has happened at once, so many things one right after another, the memories of Grady and everything that happened there, Daryl disappearing, then Daryl coming back, here all over again, but an entirely different man. Not the one she was going to marry. Closer to the one she'd known in Georgia, but not quite that man either. Bad things have happened to him, not only her death. A lot of the time lately, she feels like she's only doing things because she has to, not because they give her any happiness, and that isn't a feeling she likes very much.

Having hope, taking pleasure in life, working hard, but also doing things that made her happy, those are the lessons her father tried to teach her and she feels like she's failing him so completely by being unable to do any of those things right now. It feels like that week she'd spent in bed all over again, only this time she can't just stop functioning. This time she has to keep moving.

She hasn't had anything to drink since the party at the amusement park, but sometimes she wants to and she understands a little better now how and why Hershel Greene had ended up where he had for a time. She can see how it would be hard to claw out from under that feeling, so she doesn't drink, because it isn't worth it at the end of it all, but sometimes she really, really wants to.

Her visits with Daryl are mostly awkward and she hasn't said much to anyone but Kili about it, but today, after dropping some things off for him, she can't just go home. She should probably just go see Kili, but she finds herself at the apartment Curtis and Yona share, knocking hesitantly on the door, half hoping no one is home and half desperately needing to see Curtis. That's dangerous, too, and she knows it. When Daryl had been here, it had been easy enough to label any feelings she has for Curtis as a silly sort of crush, the kind she'd had on countless handsome men before him, but things aren't the same anymore.

Nothing is the same. She just doesn't know what to do with any of it.